Glove tap: Rifftrax blog

by Ingvar Jævel, “Lead Singer”

Hello to you! Once again it is I, Ingvar! From Norway!

I am still writing down the story of my adventures but it will be coming soon! For now I will share with you the album cover that I got someone to Photoshop for me! We Norwegians know a guy!

Even after I show them this, they still ask me to perform at the special event for Tom Cruise or some other famous retard!

I will share more with you all soon on what happened next and why PETA is also no longer happy with me!

by Ingvar Jævel

Hello again to you all! It is I, Ingvar! From Norway!

It has been a long time since I wrote to you all, but I have a good excuse! I was becoming a better person through the exact scientistical techniques of Scientology! Or something! I am not certain they cured me from my problems, but I am very certain that they will not let me on the premises again! Their loss!

But before I made them regret ever meeting me, I spent many hours in “auditing” where they make you hold tomato soup cans connected to what they call an “E-Meter”! It is like a lie detector, only stupider! And the “auditor” who operates the machine is like a lie detector operator, only stupider! Scientology is consistent!

Everything was going fine! My auditor didn’t even notice when I was being an asshole to him, which was always! I made him believe that in a past life I was one of Beowulf’s thanes and helped fight the hideous troll Grendel! He even believed the part about defeating Grendel in a battle of dueling electric banjos! I started to wonder whether Scientology makes you stupid or whether it just appeals to stupid people in the first place! It turns out to be both!

When I grow bored of normal stuff I tell them I am a famous celebrity in my homeland! I am the lead singer of the biggest Death Metal band in all of Scandanavia: The Knötty Pine Coffins! Our famous album is Hex Wrench Regicide! My auditor believes that, too!

All of a sudden I am treated much better! I am told that I can be an ambassador for Scientology in Scandanavia and maybe I will get to hang out with Tom Cruise and John Travolta because they are celebrities too!

I offered to have my band play the next big celebrity event, with Travolta and Cruise and Bart Simpson and many people from shitty sitcoms! That was when the fun really begins but it will have to wait until my next post! It involves dwarfs!

Clickez-vous to enlarge. This means you, Sporko.

by Daniella A. Apple, Christioventalismist

I bet a lot of you think that the world environment on Earth is just fine and we don’t have to worry about anything because there is no pollution or chemicals in our lettuce. Wrong! That’s what they want you to believe. They also want you to believe that showering is necessary or that I shouldn’t carry my cat’s poopies in my purse, but I can see through them, just like the Invisible Man can see through everyone.

I read a little while ago that Al Gore was given a Nobel Peace Prize in Chemistry for making a movie about the environment, but I don’t remember Al Gore coming to any of the environmentalist meet ups in northern Saskatchewan, so colour me skeptical about him. He also is supposed to have invented the Internet. Funny. We all know Jesus created the Internet! But of course the real story isn’t Al Gore trying to steal Jesus’s thunder, but it’s really about who gives out the Nobel Chemistry Peace Prizes: the Norwegians!

Sure, they say that the Norwegians are not responsible for destructing most of the world environment and they are only giving out prizes to people who want to keep destruction from happening. Funny. These are the same people who tell me to stop carrying cat shit. Can we really trust them? I know what my answer is.

We all know that Norwegians only want one thing, and that is to convert us all into being Norwegians and not Christians, and also to ruin the environment to make more money for the Corporations, and also to keep chiropractors from saving us from lower back pain. It is too late for Al Gore. They already converted him and now he tries to tell us he and Tipper were the inspiration for Love Story and not Jesus and Tipper. He is also very boring.

Don’t let the Norwegians fool you! They don’t want what’s right for the Earth environment, but only evil and forced showers for everyone.

I’m enjoying the comment thread on this post at Oiler’s Nation. A brief synopsis:

• Local sports radio host posts grab-bag article covering a number of topics
• Commenter politely suggests that the part of the article regarding the waiver eligibility of several players is wrong
• Local sports radio host acts like a junior high student (complete with age-appropriate punctuation, or lack thereof) in responding to said criticism, including Arguments from Authority, ad hominems, and the ever-popular “Can’t you guys read. [sic]”
  
• Commenters (one of whom is a lawyer) lay a courteous, fact-based beatdown on said petulant radio host, quoting the Collective Bargaining Agreement and providing examples. Turns out they can read after all, huh? (They can spell and punctuate, too!)

Like I said, of limited interest, but an interesting example of its type.

UPDATE: It’s just gotten even better. If you close your eyes you can almost hear the pitter patter of rage spittle hitting the keyboard. Pro-tip: When you’re being criticized for being unprofessional, it is unhelpful to dredge up a non-sequitur, long-forgotten incident in which you were accused of plagiarism.

Krankor can always hook you up with the best stuff:

I was going to post these pictures here, but I fear my sad little site is unworthy. So, for your ocular enrichment, I present Album Covers of Eastern Europe 70s Pop Stars.

No need to thank me.

Sparkly pork-loving SOB.