by Ingvar Jævel

Hello once again to you all! It is I, Ingvar! From Norway!

I know it has been a long time since my last story about my adventures in Scientology, but I have a good excuse! I did not feel like writing anything for you! Do not be offended! You can’t help it!

So as I said before, my fake band of Swedish assholes, The Knötty Pine Coffins, were invited to play at an important Scientology gathering of nuts and crazies! It turns out it was to celebrate Tom Cruise being the most important actor in Scientology and for him not being actually gay, at least in public! That is the kind of event I, Ingvar, can really get excited about!

My band consisted of me, Ingvar, and three guys I found at the Ikea cafeteria who were willing to play along for a chance to see Jenna Elfman’s boobies! Not that I technically promised that to them! I told them to talk like the Swedish Chef from the Muppets, and nobody questioned it because that is exactly what real Swedes sound like! Not beautiful and lyrical like Norwegians!

We played near the end of the show after Tom Cruise had already received his big award and had told everyone in the audience how much L. Ron Hubbard had changed the world for the better! By writing shitty science fiction! Tom did not say that last part, but we Norwegians can read between the lines! There was also music from some other bands who made The Knötty Pine Coffins sound like an actual band! They sang songs written by L. Ron Hubbard, who it turns out was even better at writing shitty music than he was at writing shitty science fiction! And shitty religion, for that matter!

Tom Cruise sat in the front row with the vacuous mannequin wife of his and applauded like a lunatic when we came on stage! I shouted “LRH Rocks!” because they call L. Ron Hubbard “LRH” and apparently believe he rocks! But he doesn’t! He is dead!

We sang our first song which I called “The Bridge to Happiness Spans the Waters of Batshit Insanity” and they loved it even though we basically just beat on our instruments and screamed a lot! They loved it so much you could see them visibly squirming in their seats! Tom’s smile was even more frozen than usual!

Then we went for the big finale! I told the audience that the next song was written especially for Tom and that it was the most important thing I had ever written! The crowd went wild and Tom blew me a kiss even though neither I nor he are allegedly gay! Just a friendly heterosexual kiss between manly Norwegian and possibly not gay movie star! I was very motivated to put on a good show after that!

We started playing and the first midget came out dressed in a white shirt, white socks, and sunglasses! I could tell the audience loved it by the way they gasped! Then another midget came out dressed in a leather jacket and sunglasses and we played a couple of notes from the Top Gun theme! The audience went wild with approving boos! Then the sheep came out! You can guess what happened next, because the midgets were very well paid and tested for dick anthrax after the show!

By now the nice security men had unplugged our instruments and came on stage to escort us from the building! I suggested to one of them that the most comely sheep could be brought to his room if he let me go! I am sure the punch was meant affectionately!

I never did see Tom’s reaction once the sheep came on stage! I like to think I have inspired him in my own small way by making him look like a midget fucker of sheep! We Norwegians are a helpful people! Not like those bastard Swedes in my band who didn’t even help when I kicked the security guard right in his meatballs!

But now I am free from Scientology! I have made peace with Xenu, but PETA was not happy about the sheep thing!

By Daniella A. Apple

So I heard somewhere last week that President Barackobama is going to stop sending NASA army men to the moon. Good! Except I don’t really trust it. Mr. Barackobama seems nice and everything, and even though he’s African-Canadian (well, half African-Canadian at least) I still think he is telling us lies about what is really happening on the moon. Maybe he doesn’t know. The Norwegians might not have told him yet.

Some crazy people believe that Lance Armstrong didn’t really go to the moon in the 1960s. Funny. I know lots of people who’ve been to the moon, and even to other planets outside of the moon. I even had sex with some of them, so I know the moon landings really took place. The crazies and conspiracy theorists are all paid shills to keep us from knowing about Monsanto’s massive zucchini plantations on the moon. Well, they don’t call them “crazies” for nothing I guess.

Anyway, Mr. Barackobama said he would stop the moon missions, which is good if it is true. We waste millions of dollars sending army men to the moon when there are people starving right here in Deershit Hills! Also, I hear that astronauts have to poop in space diapers, which seems like some sort of human rights abuse. I’ll ask PETA at the next meeting. Don’t even talk to me about Tang.

As a politician I really know what it’s like to make tough political decisions, especially ones the Corporations don’t want you to say anything about. So what would I do about space exploration? Funny. I don’t have to tell you that.

Honestly, these crack me up and make me very sad at the same time:

This one is even better, but embedding is disabled for some reason.

(h/t Andrew Sullivan)

More awesome righteousness from our favourite utility infielder:

Nobody ever accused Rex Hudler of being dull. In fact, his humor, enthusiasm, and unpredictable behavior brightened up clubhouses in six cities over his 13-year major league career.

So what was the accomplishment for which Hudler is best remembered by former teammates? “I ate a bug once in St. Louis,” he said. “A lot of players on the bench remember that and bring it up when I see them.

“I called it the rally bug, but it was really a June bug. We were down six runs to the Mets and we came back and won, 7-6. I chewed it up and swallowed it. I made 800 bucks.”
(Page 77, Baseball Chatter: Favorite Baseball Stories From The Game Insiders)

[]

Peckham pumped for potential permanent position

Sibilants.

Note the presence of the Righteous Fiver:

I don’t want to say anything bad about Krankor, since he’s given me a place to share my deepest thoughts — it’s almost as if I can reach out and high five every one of you! — but it seems like Krankor’s comment system is as loopy as Oil Can Boyd after a night huffing Gold Bond. This brilliant — no, AWESOME! — comment was hung up in the computer’s spam filter for over a month. So I’m taking the unprecedented — no, AWESOME! — step of posting it right on the home page! YEAH! And responding to each point! LET’S DO THIS!

sporkless Says:
January 19th, 2010 at 7:15 pm e

Rex, let’s talk Hall Of Fame voting.

Right on, brother! I LOVE talking about Hall of Fame voting almost as much as I like talking about Jesus. HE’s the ORIGINAL Hall of Famer! YEAH!

All of the pundits this year were especially upset that Roberto Alomar was a few votes short from being elected in his first year of eligibility. As usual, many such pundits used this opportunity to make a big fooforah about the voting system and how flawed it is, and that anyone that didn’t vote for Alomar should be shot and pissed on (or have their vote revoked, something like that, I don’t remember)…

I never liked Robbieberto that much. Seemed like a brother who wouldn’t catch you on the rebound because he thought he was too good to associate with a utility infielder. That’s probably not a good enough reason to keep him out of the Hall, but I’ll be damned if I’ll let him into my rec-room to play beer pong.

But never mind that. The writers that should have their vote revoked are NOT the ones that didn’t vote for Alomar. The writers that should be ousted are the ones that voted for the likes of Ellis Burks, Eric Karros, David Segui, etc.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baseball_Hall_of_Fame_balloting,_2010

David Segui and I were at a celebrity golf tournament in Arizona once during Spring Training and he ate the bagel and lox that I stuck in the mini-fridge for lunch. So fuck him. Ellis Burks, though, was one of my favorites. That guy did the best Garrett Morris impersonation! Brother cracked me up! So, yeah, HE belongs in the Hall, no question!

But YOU, Rex, you were unfairly excluded from the HOF vote in your first year of eligibility! No one was even allowed to vote for you!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baseball_Hall_of_Fame_balloting,_2004

I won’t lie to you brother, I was pretty disappointed with that whole thing. Maybe what the Hall needs is a Utility Infielder wing, to honor the greats like me, and Tom Foley. Just because we aren’t all Babe Ruth, is that any reason for the Hall to leave a brother hanging?

That’s just wrong. So let’s replace the current system with a more fair system of letting Krankor, Ig, and myself exclusively determine who goes in the HOF. And while we’re at it, we should be allowed to expel those duffers such as Stan Musial and Christy Mathewson who clearly don’t deserve to share space with guys like Don Money and Nelson Liriano.

And you know what? We didn’t need steroids to reach great heights, to go for it, to perform truly inspiring and high-five-worthy feats. We just went out there and gave it our all, brother! So what if everything we had wasn’t good enough for the Hall of Fame? It was good enough to score some tail during Spring Training, and isn’t that more important in the end? HELL YES! RIGHT ON!