(Krankor Press) Since the release of the controversial Mitchell Report on Steroids in Baseball last week, every intelligent fan of the game has at some point asked himself, “What does Orioles great and legendary Hall of Fame pitcher Jim Palmer think?” After countless requests for comment, Mr. Palmer has graciously agreed to share his wisdom on the topic for the edification of his fans and, to a lesser extent, fans of the game of baseball.

“First of all, you have to understand that when I played steroids didn’t exist,” said Palmer. “We were great without performance enhancing drugs. More importantly, I was great. So right there I can see a big difference between myself and the players of today.”

“Yeah,” agreed former Oriole and Palmer teammate Ken Singleton.

CADILLAC WITH TINTED WINDOWS

“Look, there’s no comparison,” Palmer continued. “Barry Bonds would have been lucky to even make contact with one of my pitches, no matter how many drugs he’s shot into his ass cheeks. You can’t make a Ford Pinto into a Porsche, no matter what you stick in the tank. I’m the Porsche in this analogy, by the way. Maybe Bonds should be more like a stolen Cadillac with tinted windows or something. You get the point.”

Palmer, who made a brief but triumphant return to baseball at the age of forty-five in 1989, has sympathy for Roger Clemens. “For someone like Roger to play past the age of forty takes a lot of willpower, and clearly he needed a chemical boost to keep going. Unlike me. I was awesome.”

“Yeah,” commented Singleton.

YEAH

The Mitchell Report rocked the sports world, with its allegations of widespread steroid use by stars like Bonds, Clemens, Glenallan Hill, and F.P. Santangelo. The report details eyewitness accounts of an epidemic of performance enhancing drugs during the 1990s and 2000s, despite efforts by Major League Baseball to characterize the problem as rare.

“I understand why they did it. They looked back at those great Orioles teams of the 60s and 70s and tried to come up with ways to replicate our greatness,” Palmer contends. “I understand it, but it’s a fool’s errand. Even a C-grade talent like Kenny [Singleton] from those days was mostly better than the so-called A-listers of today. Even when he sucked, his suckiness was better than the so-called unsuckiness of those guys today who are struggling to avoid comparisons which compare him to them or them to him and his suckiness, right?”

“Um…. Yeah…?” Singleton commented.

Now, amid rumours that Mitchell may reveal even more players who allegedly boosted their performance with steroids and hormones, Palmer has revealed perhaps the greatest bombshell of all: “I took drugs, too.”

I TOOK DRUGS TOO

“Back in the early 70s, before anyone had even heard of steroids, I took drugs, too,” Palmer revealed. “Otherwise, nobody would have been able to even touch one of my pitches. I worried that I was too great — I was young and didn’t realize that it’s impossible to be too great — and I sought out a doctor who could help.

“In the end, he prescribed me special Performance Dehancing Drugs, or PDDs, so that I wouldn’t embarrass the other players too much. They basically slowed down my lightning reflexes so they were closer to those of a normal ballplayer. I never told the doctor this, but I used to double or even triple the dose sometimes because I felt bad for the other team. I’m sure if they had known, they would have thanked me.”

Palmer’s revelation may set the sporting world on its ear. Singleton is certain: “Yeah,” he agreed. Fans are left to wonder what the landscape of the game would have looked like had Palmer not taken pity on his opposition. How badly would he have surpassed Cy Young’s win record? Did Palmer’s selfless gesture save the sport? Palmer thinks so.

“If I hadn’t taken the steps that I did, I’m sure the game would have faltered and Major League Baseball may have disbanded altogether. How could it continue in the wake of true perfection? I sacrificed some of my greatness to save the game that I loved. In a way, that only adds to my greatness.”

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