Thought for the day
You ever look at the slate of presidential hopefuls and think to yourself, “I wouldn’t want any of these bozos managing the office coffee fund, let alone running the country”?
Let’s break it down:
Rudy: “Anyone caught sneaking an extra cup of coffee with be tortured… FOR THE GOOD OF THE COUNTRY! 9/11″
Romney: “I’m a man of deep convictions. As a Mormon, I don’t drink coffee. If it would help me get elected, however, I’d drink nothing but.”
Huckabee: <Insert joke about cross-shaped swizzle-sticks here>
McCain: “Oh man… Flashback! Charlie’s in the trees! He’s everywhere! Game over, man! This is a bughunt! A BUGHUNT!”
Ron Paul: “As a libertarian, go buy your own fucking coffee.”
Obama: “We have to transcend the politics of division, and overcome our differences. Henceforth, the pot will be half decaf.”
Clinton: “When I was in the Whitehouse, I was in a loveless marriage with the guy whose staff delegated coffee decisions to lower-level staff who went through a competitive bid process to award contracts to hospitality vendors who provided coffee service. I drank that coffee, so I know the entire process end-to-end. It is this kind of direct experience with the executive branch that makes me the logical choice to manage the coffee fund in the fairest, most efficient manner.”
Edwards: “Okay, who left this note by the coffee pot calling me a poof? Was it you, Coulter? It was you, wasn’t it? Look, just because a guy cares about his appearance doesn’t make him gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with being gay. God dammit, you people are acting like a bunch of fucking eighth-graders. Grow up! What?!? No, for the last time, I don’t see anything gay about lavender scented coffee. Grow the fuck up!”
Kucinich: “I grow my own coffee in the back yard. It’s the only way to break away from the big corporate coffee cartels. My team of yogic flyers ensures that the coffee grows swiftly and with a strong sense of self-esteem. Plus I fertilize it personally.”
and so forth.