BREAKING: Zombie vote may have tilted Ohio in Clinton’s favor
I’m following a rumor that representatives of the Clinton campaign secretly met with Ohio’s zombie community last week to ensure them that her anti-zombie rhetoric was entirely for show. An unnamed source close to Hillary pollster Mark Penn told me that it was an open secret among the inner circle of the campaign:
Hillary said all the right things to counter Obama’s big lead among voters who are concerned about the dead rising from their graves and stalking the living. In reality, Hillary’s people know that zombies show up to the polls in much higher numbers than any other demographic, as long as the polling stations are within shuffling distance. So publicly she was denouncing them, but in private she was courting their votes.
I’ve even heard ugly rumors that Clinton staffers supposedly offered the brains of illegal immigrants. Whether or not that’s true, it’s beyond dispute that a pungent odor of advanced decomposition wafted through many of the polling stations on Tuesday, lending credence to the rumors of a high undead turnout (or possibly that Lake Erie smells like ass).
Developing.