A zombie-free post for a change
What, you didn’t think the previous post was part of the pattern?
Anyway, all this zombie talk reminded me of the good old days when the Weekly World News still performed real journalism, digging behind the interstellar political scene to bring us news of who extraterrestrials were backing in US elections.
The satire tabloid New York Times explained this during the ’96 election:
The 1996 Presidential primaries are approaching, and while the candidates worry about CNN and influential newspapers, a lot of “real” Americans are getting their news in the checkout line, where the “Space Alien” wields the real influence. In 1991, Weekly World News, a Florida-based supermarket tabloid, stuck the image of an alien into an existing photograph of President Bush. Since then, the alien, in one composite photograph after another, has been seen with many American statesmen.
Selected headlines include: “Space Alien Meets With President Bush!” (1991), “Space Alien Meets With Ross Perot!” (1992), “Alien Backs Clinton!” (1992), “Alien Dumps Clinton and Goes Back to Perot!” (1993) and “Space Alien Meets With Newt Gingrich!” (1995).
Now this is just shoddy journalism. Who is this “Space Alien”? This is woefully imprecise, bordering on xenophobic. To illustrate how sloppy this is, consider these headlines:
Italian backs Clinton
Scandinavian meets with Ron Paul
Wayans Brother stumps for Obama
You see the problem, right? Let’s examine each headline and add some vital detail:
Monica Bellucci backs Bill Clinton, causes ex-presidential boner
(Much better. Monica Belucci instantly makes the sentence hotter. Little Bill does not, and that balances the headline)Alfred Nobel meets with Ron Paul on the second moon of Zyblor IV
(Ron Paul is so frickin’ powerful he can commune with the dead on other planets. That’s why the establishment conspired with the Illuminati and the WNBA to thwart his primary campaign.)Obama denounces, rejects, rebukes, and renounces all Wayans Brothers. Even the bald ones.
(He’d be crazy not to, right?)
So the identity of the Space Alien is crucial. Having Spock throw his political heft behind your campaign is one thing, but there’s much less prestige in an endorsement from Alf, for example, or Xenu. Perhaps you think that backing from a Space Alien lends your campaign gravitas, until you find out that the eponymous alien has all the bearing and quiet dignity of Mork from Ork.
Besides, the Alien can’t vote, so who gives a damn what he has to say? Technically, I can’t vote either so, uh, just unread what you’ve just read, okay? It doesn’t matter.
.: