Now that Hillary is all-but-defeated (watch out for the horror-movie-villainesque last clutch from her campaign, though), it’s time to put some thought into choices for Obama’s running mate. And by “put some thought into” I mean, of course, “pull some harebrained ideas out of my ass.”

Here they are, in no particular order:

• Blacula. Pros: Helps Obama shore up the African American vote, as well as the undead constituency. Cons: Vampire.
• Bruce Campbell. Pros: Well known zombie slayer, in keeping with Obama’s tough stance toward reanimated corpses. Cons: Like many actors, Wilford Brimley excluded, probably not as badass in everyday life as he is in low-budget movies.
• Hillary Clinton. Pros: Ran a close race with Obama, indicating very strong support among Democrats. Cons: Vampire.
• Bono. Pros: He’s fucking Bono! Cons: Pretentious, wears appalling sunglasses, not American.
• Ted Kennedy. Pros: Oh, the hilarity! Cons: Possible zombie preserved in rum solution.
• Dennis Kucinich. Pros: Popular with progressives, seen as an independent thinker. Cons: Nuts, possibly extra-terrestrial.
• Ron Paul. Pros: Strong grass roots support, anti-establishment appeal. Cons: Poor fit between libertarian approach and progressive liberal platform, nuts.
• Mr. T. Pros: Too many to enumerate here. Cons: Pitying fools not traditionally understood as one of the duties of the Vice President’s office.
• Robert Reich.  Pros: Economist, popular with progressives, very, very white. Cons: Short.
• Robert Downey Jr. Pros: Iron Man. Cons: Robert Downey Jr.
• Al Gore. Pros: Knows his way around the office. Cons: Would swap all of the vehicles in the Presidential motorcades for Priuses.
• David Lee Roth. Pros: Everyone likes Diamond Dave, extra-white. Cons: Bad hair weave.

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