The only choice for VP
As I sit here in my study, wearing a smoking jacket and swirling expensive cognac in a delicate crystal goblet*, I turn my not inconsiderable intellect and political talents to the question of Barack Obama’s running mate. I had previously ruminated on this topic before, but I failed to address the elephant in the room.
I have reluctantly, if inevitably, come to the conclusion that Barack Obama should choose me as his running mate.
Why? The answers are really quite obvious, but no less compelling for all that:
- I have no skeletons in my closet for the Republicans to base a smear campaign upon. If they wish to fabricate a story about the time I banged four supermodels while snorting cocaine through a solid gold straw? It could only enhance my reputation, I think.
- Obama is hip and black; I’m doughy and white and decidedly unhip. Talk about a balanced ticket!
- I can deliver the ever-elusive Canadian vote in a way no other candidate can. (Before you ask, yes I am a natural-born US citizen. Unlike, say, John McCain.)
- I fucking hate zombies.
- There is basically 0% chance I would steal the spotlight. A Krankor of a chance, you might argue.
- I make a lovable sidekick, like Tom Arnold Joey Pants. And really, isn’t the VP really just the President’s lovable sidekick? They don’t call Dick Cheney “Cuddlemuffins” for nothing.
- Vampires can go suck bong water, too.
- I know the secret access code that will disrupt the signals used to control John McCain.
- To the greatest extent possible, I will hand out patronage positions to my friends (even if they’d have to tamp down their gag reflexes to serve under a Democrat).
- There is no #10
* Not a technically accurate depiction
.:
June 10th, 2008 at 4:57 pm
When it comes to patronage, I’m there, Democrat, GOP, Libertarian, Conservative, Constitution Party, Reform, whatever.
I can see you carrying Lowell, Mass. by a wide margin, sir.
June 10th, 2008 at 6:00 pm
Glad to hear it, Iggy. Anything that’s in my power to give, it’s yours. How about a new cabinet post? Secretary of Telling Those Damned UN Kids to Get Off America’s Lawn?
June 13th, 2008 at 7:27 am
Look, sir, you can name me to any post you wish in your administration. As long as it comes with the following:
- a hefty salary
- a hefty, no-nonsense, 350-lb. secretary who is efficient in shorthand and who knows how to load a firearm without getting all shaky (you understand now why I had to fire my previous secretary)
- a hefty car, something along the lines of a black four-door Roadmaster (it ought to be reconditioned to have a hybrid under the hood, so I can flout my green credentials)
- a hefty, no-nonsense, 350-lb chauffeur who is efficient at steering through the drive-thru at Checkers, gets my order right, and who knows how to load a firearm without getting all shaky (you understand now why I had to fire my previous chauffeur)
- Tickets to the opera (I hate the opera actually, I just want to be able to say “I have tickets to the opera” and it would mean I have something to give away to the panhandlers in Lafayette Park)
Did I mention that I am an admirer of G. Gordon Liddy? Hope that helps.
June 13th, 2008 at 8:44 am
None of this will be a problem.
June 16th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
Well. With a commitment like that, Krankor, old boy, I pledge to deliver the state of Florida** to you and Barack…provided, of course, that he does the right thing and chooses you as his running mate.
** Please just don’t ask how.