by Daniella A. Apple, private citizen and proprietor of Amazing Online Recycled Craft Subscribe Market

Some of you may have been wondering what I have been up to since the election was stolen from me. Leave me alone, spies! It is none of your business!

Anyway, since the election where the KKKonservatives and LIEbrals conspired to thieve my rightful place I have been working on my website where you can subscribe to see pictures of my artwork. I am having trouble, though, because I want people to pay every time they think about my artworks, but how? When they see them on screen I can make them pay, but what about later when they are in the shower or asleep and they see my artworks in their minds? I asked a company to help me come up with technology so I get paid and people can’t steal my artworks by thought power, but they charged me thousands of dollars and it doesn’t work! So I am now designing the technology myself and have hired a man from China who knows computers but doesn’t speak English so good to make my dreams a reality!

You probably think that is all I am doing. Funny. I am becoming the star of the Deershit Hills Community Theater when I went there to “audition” for a role in “Hello Dolly”. I want to be Dolly, not the people who are saying hello to her. I used to do guerrilla street theater to protest against the whales in Vancouver so I know how to act, and also now I am an environmentalist and a successful politician so it is time to show my talents to the world!

When I did the audition the director told me my performance was “interesting” and “unique”. Funny. I knew that already. I changed the script to make it more environmental. From the look on his face you could tell he loved it but was too professional to say so. He said he would call when he had made a decision, but I don’t trust telephones because it is too easy for someone to overhear or steal our conversation and then some Norwegian would show up and steal my role in “Hello Dolly”! So I gave the director a place where he can leave a message for me under the Highway 274 overpass near Giardia Pond, but so far he must be taking lots of time to decide on the rest of the cast because there is nothing under the overpass but pigeon shit and empty Thunderbird bottles.

When I do go in the play I know two things. One is that I won’t do a nude scene no matter what. I have my standards and my body is a sacred wonderland. Nobody gets to see me naked except my cats and my case worker. Number two is that my technology to keep my artworks from being stolen will need to be ready before the play because it would be unfair for people to remember my performance without me being paid for it.

This entry was posted on Friday, November 7th, 2008 at 6:34 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.