by Ingvar Jævel, foreign exchange student from Kongsvinger, Norway

Hello again to you all! It is I! Ingvar! From Norway!

Once again I am writing to you from the beautiful Land of the Braves and Home of Mr. Freeze! America! How I love this place and its trusting people and easily distracted watchmen!

Yesterday was Sunday! My I-don’t-have-to-run-day! Hah! Prince is the true American midget! And he is purple!

So because it was Sunday I went to church! But I went to a special church which is a “Mega” church! Like Megatron! Transformers was better in the original Norwegian!

Megachurch is not like normal church! No, it is like a big curling arena only with more serious people and in place of ice there is lots of Jesus! There must have been 20,000 people there to love Jesus and hate the gays! Uplifting!

So when I go in they give me a card to fill out in case I need help from Jesus in fixing my health! It seemed important to them so I filled out twenty of the cards! On one I wrote that I am a recovering Jew named Ingvar Jaevelstein! On another I wrote that I used to be crazy and think I was Joan of Arc! On another I said I needed help because of my enormous erection! I bet they liked my jokes!

The ceremony was very exciting! Like a rock concert only instead of fake pig’s blood and explosions there was real holy stuff and explosions! Then near the end a nice man came looking for me and said I should go up on stage to say something about how Jesus cured my sickness! Holy shit!

The woman in front of me on stage said she was cured from something like grout! I laughed! I don’t think I was supposed to!

When it is my turn, the preacher asked me if I was cured from being gay! That is one of the things I wrote on a card! I took the microphone and said “Odin be praised! May Thor strike me down with mighty Mjöllnir if I ever again enjoy backdoor love with oily men!”

I think they were happy I spoke because they had some nice men provide an “escort” for me to help me get outside! When I get outside I thank them with a double-Odin salute! Nobody else got an “escort”! Maybe the grout lady should have one though! She looked like she could barely walk!

Next week I hope to visit a Megasynagogue or maybe a Supermosque! Everything is big in America!

This entry was posted on Monday, December 15th, 2008 at 8:33 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.