At Wal-Mart they sell everything! Except dignity!
by Ingvar Jævel, foreign exchange student from Kongsvinger, Norway
Festive greetings to you all! It is I, Ingvar! From Norway!
Since I am having Christmas in America this year I decide to shop like Americans! In Norway we give pickled fishes for gifts! Even we Norwegians think that is disgusting!
So I went to a “retail park” today! A “retail park” is a gigantic parking lot! With some stores taking up valuable parking spaces! So many places to buy pickled herring, I think!
First I go into a store called Home Depot! I go in one door and afterward come out at another door in the next town! Inside there are no homes for sale but there are eighty types of leaf blower with amazing features to piss off your neighbours! In Norway we don’t blow leaves because it there is a tax on being obnoxious! I know what you are thinking!
After Home Depot I go into the famous Wal-Mart store to sample taste the Real America! It tastes fucking horrible! It is all low prices and long lines and desperate old people and mullets and weird brand names like “Parasonic” and “Sonee”!
Speaking of weird brand names next I go into a store we know well in Scandanavia, IKEA! It is exactly like the IKEA in Norway, even including the shop where you buy disgusting sweets and Jelly Rats! They make you walk through their show rooms by following a path and if you step off they poke you with little pencils! Did you know the names they use are insults?! “Erktop” means “Fatass” and “Bestå” means “Shit-arse” and “Laxvik” means “Cheap crap”! Swedish assholes!
Best Buy has people they call “Geeks”! I ask one of them to bite the head off a live chicken and he didn’t know what I was talking about! I am not surprised since the time I went to an Apple Store and their “Genius” could not explain to me the double-slit experiment in quantum mechanics! Apples must make geniuses retarded, I think!
There was nothing beyond Bed and Bath except a souless void!
Finally I find pickled fish at Target! Christmas is saved!
.: Tags: america, ingvar, norwegians :.