By Lord Edmund Bryll, inventor of Brylcreem

As regards this time of year, which you should not fail to note is of a festive nature, owing to the impending occurance of the Christmas holiday celebrating the birth of our Lord and Saviour, those of us of higher, not to say superior, breeding turn our thoughts to sheltering portions of personal income through the judicious application of particular charitable donations. Said donations not only confer financial benefits upon ourselves, but may indeed provide some incidental degree of relief to the purported recipients of charity, though one must acknowledge that it hardly matters as the lower classes will almost certainly use the aforementioned largesse for the purposes of injecting recreational pharmaceuticals into their circulatory systems and, if we should be so lucky, expiring of their own accord. Right, yes, hmm. Thus wise, we should feel altogether good, not to say altruistic, about tax-deductible donations to our inferiors, as is the spirit of the season don’t you know. There’s a good fellow.

Now, it is with this purpose in mind, and also in service of a strategy to avoid the taint of the Madoff imbruglio, that I herein announce the commencement of operations of the Lord Edmund Bryll Charitable Foundation to Benefit Those of Lower Breeding and Lesser Value to Society, which agency shall be administered by my lovely and intelligent wife, Lady Edwina Bryll, and which will, I sincerely hope, provide significant societal benefit by sheltering particularly troublesome portions of my income. Should any of the funds raised by the Lord Edmund Bryll Charitable Foundation to Benefit Those of Lower Breeding and Lesser Value to Society reach their nominal beneficiaries, as unlikely as that circumstance may in fact be assuming that Lady Edwina is suitably meticulous in the execution of her duties, you may rest assured that the undeserving wretches will be sufficiently burdened with caveats and qualifying activies that they shall not reapply for relief.

As the largest donor and, naturally, beneficiary of the Lord Edmund Bryll Charitable Foundation to Benefit Those of Lower Breeding and Lesser Value to Society, I have already done my part for society, and yet I shall not rest on my laurels nor permit anyone else to abdicate their duty to their fellow man. Consequently, not to say therefore, I am imploring my vast and altogether generous readership to donate liberally to the Lord Edmund Bryll Charitable Foundation to Benefit Those of Lower Breeding and Lesser Value to Society, for only your generosity can truly ensure an altogether merry Christmas to all of the recipients of the Lord Edmund Bryll Charitable Foundation to Benefit Those of Lower Breeding and Lesser Value to Society. Should the circumstance arise that you fail to give generously, said failure manifesting itself in the circumstance of not donating in excess of $1,000 before December 25th, you will almost certainly cause the infant incarnation of Jesus to weep at your heartless, not to say skinflint, nature. Also, Santa Claus will turn your children toward communism.

So at this time of celebration and joy, please reach deep inside your pocketbooks, or, as the case may be, purses, and give to the Lord Edmund Bryll Charitable Foundation to Benefit Those of Lower Breeding and Lesser Value to Society, which donation will elicit a note of remarkable resemblance to an authentic tax-deductible receipt, and a beautiful photostatic facsimile of a hand-written notice of appreciation from the eponymous founder of the organization, carefully folded and inserted into an envelope of the finest paper stock available in bulk. For is that not what the Christmas season is all about? Yes, right, quite so.

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