by Daniella A. Apple, upstanding citizen, crank

So I got called in for Jury Duty last month. I guess being a successful political candidate means that the justice systems recognize that I am trustworthy and judgemental, so of course I said yes even though it is corrupt and controlled by an international cabal of Corporations and Laplanders. Plus I am a good citizen.

We are on break from the trial because of Christmas. Funny. I didn’t think lawyers believe in God. But anyway the judge told me that we couldn’t talk about the trial until it was over like it was some big secret or something but they can’t depress my rights! They won’t stop my Freedom of Speech! So I am going to tell you about it, but you have to keep quiet about it and not say anything or else I will have to sue you.

I won’t describe the way they selected people for the jury because it is boring. One lawyer tried to tell the judge that I shouldn’t be allowed to be on a jury because I wrote “Highway 274 overpass near Giardia Pond” where it asked me for my address and “Fuck you” where it asked me for my phone number. The judge disagreed because I was being truthful and also only 12 of us showed up that day.

The “case” they put me on involves a man named Raymund O’Toole who they say stole from a Wal-Mart. Funny. I didn’t think you could steal from a giant Corporation that is already stealing from the poor working class for profits and forcing old people to wear little vests. So right away I knew how I was going to vote because there is no way it can be illegal to steal from a capitalist greed Corporation like that!

Plus when I got a good look at the “defendant” he looked just like Corey Haim from around 1987, and I always swore if I ever met Corey Haim I would have sex with him and not convict him of stealing iPods. So there’s a second reason I was going to vote for him.

But now I’m not so sure. The day before we got sent on break, the prosecutor lawyer showed us grainy video of the defendant from a security camera and it doesn’t really look much like Corey Haim in the video. So now I’m supicious that O’Toole really did steal the iPods and is a shapeshifter or something who is trying to look like Corey Haim so he can have sex with me and get off scott free! Well, I won’t be fooled that easily! O’Toole sounds kind of Norwegian.

Anyway, we’re supposed to go back to court tomorrow to finish the case. I plan to sit there and stare at the defendant and try to make contact with him telepathically to let him know that if he is a shapeshifter he better know that I am watching him and I will send him to jail if he isn’t really Corey Haim from 1989.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, January 6th, 2009 at 4:28 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.