by Daniella A. Apple, sports commentator

So I have been protesting out in front of the Walmart because it is the most evil Corporation the planet has ever seen. People tell me I am exaggerating but I will prove them wrong with my protest signs comparing Walmart to Hitler. I think I am convincing lots of sheeple because they won’t make eye contact with me. That tells me they understand.

There is a machine in front of the store that sells Corporatist newspapers. I won’t pay for their nasty propaganda but sometimes I do read the headlines on the front. I figure they can’t infect me with their advertising mind control if I keep one eye closed and don’t read for too long, and besides I have a very strong mind because I am an environmentalist. Also I can stay in touch with what is happening in the world, at least from the military-industrial complex perspective of the Deershit Hills Gazette.

The other day there was a headline about somebody named Alex Rodriguez taking steroids in baseball. Funny. I thought they called it Football in Spain. Anyway, apparently he did steroids while playing baseball and that was somehow “cheating”. But we all know that professional sports is just a way for the capitalist Corporation government powers to keep idiots and rednecks entertained so they don’t question the powers that be for keeping them trapped in a Corporate fantasy Matrix of docility. Also, those assholes are millionaires.

But the real reason steroids is bad isn’t that they let people cheat. That’s what they want you to believe! No, the real reason is that it destroys the environment, but don’t expect the Gazette with its Nazi reporters to tell you that. The real problem isn’t even the pharmaceutical Corporations who rape the natural world to make steroids for rich crybaby athletes. Funny. If you think that, you are even stupider than they want you to be.

What happens is, when athletes take steroids, they get bigger muscles and consume more of the Earth’s precious irreplaceable resources so that is bad right there. But even worse is that they run faster and breathe a lot faster, and when they do they breathe in fresh air and breathe out carbon dioxide. And maybe even steroid vapor though my experiments can’t confirm that yet. Anyway, all that carbon dioxide is causing the global warming of the entire Earth, which means the Alex Rodriguez is killing lots more people than just the ones on the baseball field. I don’t know what the laws are like in Spain but here they should make one that stops steroid users from destroying the planet. It just makes sense.

This entry was posted on Thursday, February 12th, 2009 at 9:52 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.