by Lord Edmund Bryll, inventor of Brylcreem

Shortly after the yuletide season, which one may rest assured passed in luxurious splendour and with generous helpings of good cheer, not to say rum, I was moved to pen an important and altogether timely treatise on the so-called crisis that is gripping the woefully unprepared economies of the world. My intent in scribing said missive was, and indeed shall be should I ever rouse myself to the task, particularly focused on the horseless carriage industry and its imprecations to government in order to secure substantial amounts, not to say scads, of taxpayer dollars for the wholly righteous and just purpose of keeping the barons of said industry provisioned with luxuries and the finest practitioners of the prostitutive arts. I have, owing to my spectacular curriculum vitae and all its attendant experiences and contacts, both personal and professional, much to offer on the subject and, in particular, insights into how some of the original captains of the automobile industry may have responded. Henry Ford, with whom I shared a special bond on account of having deflowered two of his sisters, would have been especially appalled at the site of his corporate descendants, cap in hand, begging the state for charity, when it would be apparent, at least in dear Henry’s eyes, that somehow international Jewry was to blame. Come to think of it, Henry blamed international Jewry for everything from hangnails to gelatin desserts of an insufficiently wobbly consistency, so perhaps his views on the current situation would not be particularly probative. Right, yes, hmm.

Lamentably, I did not find sufficient time to put pen to paper, nor was my delectable, not to say dickable, personal assistant available to take dictation, owing to some familial crisis or the vapours or some other mysterious feminine megrim. But! I hear you cry, how is it possible that the vaunted Lord Edmund Bryll, inventor of Brylcreem and former plenipotentiary for the King, publishes his concise words of wisdom and, if I allow myself a small modicum of vanity, wit, on this electronic network called the Internet? As is my understanding, once I have committed my words to paper, be it via my deft penmanship or else through my personal assistant’s expertise with the type writing machine, said paper is then sent via post to the estimable Mr. Krankor, who, and here I am making some assumptions since I am not altogether up to speed on the way of doing these things, ships them to India where low-cost sweatshop workers in their hundreds or even thousands convert my words into electrons. One can safely assume, if you hadn’t already, that any mistakes, grammatical or otherwise, are the result of inattentive labourers, possibly owing to indigestion caused by the spicy but otherwise inedible local cuisine. Yes, are there any questions no then let’s move on.

Until very recently, I maintained very limited contact with computing devices of all kinds, largely due to the fact that their operation tends to achieve things which I believe are best left to my dedicated servants, but also because an Aborigine fellow I once knew swore that all electronic devices could capture one’s soul. Guffaw if you must, but evidently some of us care more about the disposition of our eternal souls than the scofflaws among us. However, not to say but, I fear I may have surrendered my immortal non-corporeal existence owing to an accidental, but satisfyingly diverting, discovery that the Internet appears to be a singularly rich source of photography of women in the altogether. Indeed, at this very moment I am instantly presented with countless pictures of a most provocative, not to say erotic, not to say erectionogenic, nature. I cannot overemphasise the impact this revelation has had on both my attitude toward computers and my ability to concentrate on what I am, that is to say, perhaps altogether, not to say… Yes. Well, hmm. I must go for now.

This entry was posted on Friday, February 13th, 2009 at 9:09 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.