They’ll think more than once the next time they think about tangling up with the Captain
by the Captain
So there I was, surrounded. There had to be twenty of them, and by the looks of them, they had a bone to settle with me. Now I knew who had killed my jungle guides, one by one, in the night. Bastards.
I sized up the odds, and it didn’t look good… for them. Twenty armed men, but I know how to deal with bullies. I identified their leader — the biggest one, with the bone in his hair — and I smiled. “You don’t know what you’ve gotten yourself full of, my friend. I’m two kinds of Kung-Fu master, you know.” Then I opened a big can of beating-up on them…
But hey, I just realized that introductions are in called for, because you readers might not know me yet. Too bad for you, but I’ll fix that right now. You can call me the Captain. Just the Captain. That’s all you need to know.
Krankor asked me to share some of my stories with you. He says I can trust you, but hey! Even if I can’t, I have all the tools to hunt you down and keep your tongue from wacking. But for now, I’m gonna trust you.
Me? I’m an adventurer. I’ve done all of it. You name it, it’s been done by me: mountain climber, mercenary, archeologist/Nazi hunter, undercover cop, spy, football coach, undercover spy, spy hunter, notary public, arms dealer, sexologist. If I told you any more, you probably wouldn’t believe me. But believe me: I really am this awesome, if I do say it about myself.
So there I was, laying a righteous beat up on twenty armed men, each of them obviously a heartless, stone cold creamery of killing. Some of them saw me totally freak out and go all Jackie Chow on their assholes and ran away. Hey, if you can’t take the heat, then run away. These guys never knew what was hitting on them. I didn’t study for fifteen years at the Shallot Temple for nothing; one batch of my Kung-Fu and you’re done. By the time I was through with them, their own mothers would look at them and freak out because they were so beat up. But it served them right for killing my jungle guides.
What can I say? When the going gets tough, the tough beats up the bad guys. That’s the kind of no-nonsense frankness you can count on coming from the Captain. Book it.
.: Tags: captain, so there i was :.
February 18th, 2009 at 7:11 am
Just as long as there are no “Captain’s Log” stories.
February 18th, 2009 at 9:36 am
Well my, friend, I do have some great logging stories from when I was a lumberjack — two kinds of lumberjack, to be precise. But hey, if you don’t want to hear them then that leaves me more space to tell you about the time I infiltrated a terrorist sleeper cell in Des Moines and foiled a plot to assassinate the chairman of the Sorghum Processing By-Products Association. Or the time I had to blow up Antarctica to save the Emperor. Or the time I hacked into the Kremlin’s supercomputer using only my analog wrist watch.
So don’t worry about me. I can enthral you without log stories. Book it.
February 19th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
Ya ever been to sea, Captain?
February 19th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
Oh yes, my friend. Many times. I’m an accomplished sailor — two kinds, in fact. Why, just recently I was involved in thwarting pirates off the coast of Somalia.
You may have heard in the news about one of the pirate boats capsizing because they had overloaded it with their ill-gotten booty… well, let’s just say that they were really overloaded with the Captain’s justice.
If you’re a good boy and eat your vegetables, maybe the Captain will tell you more about his adventures at sea. You won’t be disappointed. I know I’m not.
Book it.
February 20th, 2009 at 7:02 am
I’m in love already! *swoons*
February 20th, 2009 at 10:56 am
Unfortunately for you my friend, I’m not on the market at the moment. I’m currently dating a model. Maybe I’ll post some pictures of her some time.
Of course, from time to time duty compels me to break my monogamous bond. Also, my model girlfriend is in her late twenties, so she probably won’t be good enough for me for long. So you never know if someday you might have a chance.
Book it.
February 20th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
*Reconsiders her previous stance, as she is neither young, nor a model, and “The Captain” is coming off as more than a bit of an asshole.*
February 20th, 2009 at 8:49 pm
“The Captain” is coming off as more than a bit of an asshole.
Two kinds!
February 21st, 2009 at 5:16 am
“The Captain” is coming off as more than a bit of an asshole.
Hmm…
February 21st, 2009 at 9:55 am
Not every woman can have a piece of the Captain’s action. It’s just science. But hey, that doesn’t mean you can’t admire me from afar. That’s what most women do.
And as for being an asshole.. well, sometimes a man’s gotta do what a man needs to get on with to do his job. If that makes me sound like an asshole, then that’s the way the cookie’s gotta be. But the Captain doesn’t stop being the Captain for anybody except the Captain. Book it.
February 21st, 2009 at 5:01 pm
“Not every woman can have a piece of the Captain’s action. It’s just science. But hey, that doesn’t mean you can’t admire me from afar. That’s what most women do. ”
Good Lord, I thought Lord Edmund Bryll was egotistical…
P
February 21st, 2009 at 6:31 pm
Well my friend, I can’t say I know this Lord Bryll fellow, but if he’s as egotistical as you imply, then he won’t sit right with the Captain. No sir, the Captain is nothing if not humble, and I don’t have time for people with big egos.
But hey! Maybe he’ll recognize how outclassed he is when he meets me and will drop the big ego tripping. It’s happened before, like the time Christopher Hitchens took up drinking after shaking my hand at a cocktail party. Can’t blame him, can you?
Anyway, I’ll make this promise to you, Katie: If I run onto this Lord Edmund Bryll guy, I’ll put him on his place. Book it.