by Ingvar Jævel

Hello to you all once again! It is I, Ingvar! From Norway!

Perhaps you are wondering where I have been since my last posting! According to my handlers I should tell you it is none of your business! But I am not like that! I tell you to fuck yourself, too! Hah!

Actually I have spent some time exploring my spiritual side! Going to the Mega-Church taught me that I need to get in closer touch with God or Odin or Cthulhu or whatever! I don’t think it matters much what bullshit you believe in but apparently everybody needs to believe in some sort of bullshit! So I went to the greatest church of bullshit I could find, Scientology!

First I looked up the local branch or church or shack or whatever they call it! It was in a terrible part of town, which is good for the spirit I think! But even though the neighbourhood is bad, the Scientologists all wear nice clothes and even some uniforms that make them look like dorks! First impressions are important!

Then I went in to take a free personality test! I answered most of the questions honestly! I know, it was out of character for me! After the test a nice woman in an dork uniform told me that my personality is seriously fucked up!

“You are an extremely critical person. You lash out verbally or mentally at those about you and the environment, making you a person almost impossible to be around. You may consider that you are being constructively critical or realistic. However, you are being basically malicious and mean. Because you see little good in people or life your opinions are of little value. Scientology can improve this.”

Holy shit! Scientology called me an asshole! I told her that was very accurate coming from an unattractive imbicile wearing a dork uniform and sitting on a cheap plastic chair in a crazy sci-fi cult office in a terrible part of town! Well done!

I ask how Scientology can help with my problem! It was a long talk but the summary was, pay Scientology lots of money! I ask if Xenu could cleanse me of my sins like Jesus or kill my enemies and rape their women like Odin or Buddha but she did not answer me! I also ask who would win in a fight, Xenu or Thor! I think Thor, but you could tell from her angry look that she would back Xenu!

Finally she leaves the room for a few minutes and comes back with a man in another dork uniform and who has a very serious face! I greet him by saying “Hail Xenu” and making up a salute with my fingers! He asked me to leave, but I told him I had lots of money and wanted Scientology to help me not be an asshole! I think the money part helped even though it was a lie! He did not find out about the lie for almost a week though!

They signed me up for some courses and sold me some books written by their favourite crackpot! Now I was ready to learn the real secrets of Scientology and maybe one day I would be able to wear a dork uniform!

[TO BE CONTINUED]

This entry was posted on Saturday, March 7th, 2009 at 11:55 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.