by Ingvar Jævel

Hello again to you all! It is I, Ingvar! From Norway!

It has been a long time since I wrote to you all, but I have a good excuse! I was becoming a better person through the exact scientistical techniques of Scientology! Or something! I am not certain they cured me from my problems, but I am very certain that they will not let me on the premises again! Their loss!

But before I made them regret ever meeting me, I spent many hours in “auditing” where they make you hold tomato soup cans connected to what they call an “E-Meter”! It is like a lie detector, only stupider! And the “auditor” who operates the machine is like a lie detector operator, only stupider! Scientology is consistent!

Everything was going fine! My auditor didn’t even notice when I was being an asshole to him, which was always! I made him believe that in a past life I was one of Beowulf’s thanes and helped fight the hideous troll Grendel! He even believed the part about defeating Grendel in a battle of dueling electric banjos! I started to wonder whether Scientology makes you stupid or whether it just appeals to stupid people in the first place! It turns out to be both!

When I grow bored of normal stuff I tell them I am a famous celebrity in my homeland! I am the lead singer of the biggest Death Metal band in all of Scandanavia: The Knötty Pine Coffins! Our famous album is Hex Wrench Regicide! My auditor believes that, too!

All of a sudden I am treated much better! I am told that I can be an ambassador for Scientology in Scandanavia and maybe I will get to hang out with Tom Cruise and John Travolta because they are celebrities too!

I offered to have my band play the next big celebrity event, with Travolta and Cruise and Bart Simpson and many people from shitty sitcoms! That was when the fun really begins but it will have to wait until my next post! It involves dwarfs!

This entry was posted on Thursday, June 18th, 2009 at 9:42 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.