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34 Responses to “Open Thread – Hosted by Joey Jeremiah”
Hey, I remember when I played for the Expos in the 80′s everyone would sit around the clubhouse after practice, light up a few of my patented Big Bertha spliffs and watch Degrassi Jr. High! We all loved the way Wheels was constantly getting crapped on by life, and it made us feel so much better about being stuck in Montreal.
It used to be one of my dreams to one day meet and high five the brother who played Joey Jeremiah. And maybe nail the chick who played Caitlyn once she became legal. But nowadays I’m a God-fearing family man, and she’s probably chunked up since the 80s so no harm no foul, right? Right on!
Hey, brother, I never use the phrase “too bad!” ‘cuz that’s too negative and I never let negative vibes get in the way of my sheer high-five driven life. It’s “REAL GOOD” for me! YEAH!
So what you’re really telling me is that she’s legal, still in good shape, but probably has some miles on her. Right on! That’s news Rex can use, brother!
Oh shit. Just as I was getting my life back on track for the 5th time, a meteor smashed through my living room ceiling and killed the hooker I was shooting up with! Now they’re charging me with Meteoric Hookerslaughter due to gross negligence! And I think I got dick cancer from her! Plus I just moved to Cleveland!
Joey Jeremiah used to talk to me through my TV screen. But then the Corporations got wind that he was getting around their firewall to communicate with me and they cancelled him. Also the made him bald. Funny. His hair was too close to the truth so it had to go.
Bruno Gerussi still talks to me so they haven’t gotten to him yet.
Oh for fuck’s sake! I showed up to my arraignment drunk and accidentally killed a bailiff! Plus somehow I knocked up one of the court reporters and now I’m supposed to escort her to a back-alley abortionist because she doesn’t want to cross a picket line. But I’m probably going to be in prison so she’s just going to go ahead and have the damn kid, and then I’ll be on the hook for child support, which I won’t be able to pay so I’ll end up on one of those deadbeat dad episodes of Maury!
I can’t be expected to keep track of everyone I’ve killed, bub. Just last week I met my long lost twin brother and accidentally killed him while I was cleaning one of my sawed off shotguns while drunk. Man, talk about lousy luck!
Oh, and it turned out that court reporter wasn’t pregnant after all. It was just a giant tumor, so now I’m going to have to spend lots of time at her bedside during the treatment.
It’s almost like that time six of my cousins were killed during the family reunion when the Camry I had stolen for a joy ride accelerated out of control. Turned out one of them wasn’t even my cousin, so he didn’t really count in the end.
Urbano, brother, you’re absolutely right on! But when I let Jesus into my heart and He caught me on the rebound, down low, AND on the side, He and I agreed that I could make a “List”, and that if I ever got a chance to bone anyone on the List, He would give me a high five of forgiveness!
Turns out she was on the List, so there’s nothing un-Christian about it, brother. Come to think of it, I wonder if He’d be cool with me updating the List, ‘cuz it mostly contains chicks like Madonna and Sharon Stone and others from back in the day who now I wouldn’t high five with a paper bag over my head!
Know who else is on the List from my days in Montreal? Cynthia Dale. Wonder how she’s holding up?
Okay, so I think I’ve finally sorted my life out! I’m sober, going to AA meetings, temporarily out of prison, found God, and I’m dating a saint of a woman who is really worth changing for!
Things are going to be okay from now on. I can feel it!
Oh goddammit! You’re never gonna believe what happened to me now! Look, no matter what anyone says, it wasn’t my fault, and it’s hardly fair to call it “genocide” when clearly multiple ethnicities were involved…
Shit. I just got served with a paternity suit from some chick named Daniella A. Apple. I don’t remember her, but seriously: what are the chances it wasn’t me?
I just adopted the most adorable kitten from the SPCA. I just have to get it home now where I swear by all that is holy that I will take care of this precious little animal as if it were my own child. I’m not fooling around this time. This cat will be treated like royalty. No screw ups for Wheels any more. This is where I turn it all around, with this beautiful living creature.
I am Jose Canseco’s twin brother. Why pay more for brand name Canseco when a genetically identical substitute can be had for a fraction of the cost? With Ozzie Canseco, you get almost all of the standard Jose features without the massive ego caused by fame and money. Don’t waste money on stylish designer names when the same quality Canseco goodness can be yours for pennies on your Canseco dollar. You don’t need to sacrifice quality for value.
I also do birthday parties. I will strip for your enjoyment. I’m not proud. I will beg if necessary.
Hey, I played with Ozzie in ’92 with the Cardinals. In fact, he was the one who lost the most money on the Rally Bug bet. Oz could have been a good player if he hadn’t broken off so many steroid needles in his ass. Brother could barely walk to first base!
Even I couldn’t make a good ballplayer out of Ozzie Canseco, and I’m a lawyer! So if even a certified genius such as myself can’t do it, what hope had mere (non-lawyer) mortals?
In Czech Republic I am having reputation much like this Hud of yours. He is known for great enthusiasm and energy just like Jiri. One time I am telling Radek Dvorak he is to be calling his wife for emergency but she is fine.
When we win I am doing naked handstands for entire team in locker room. The great Jaromir Jagr is having seen my penis upside down.
Oh my heavens. This Joey Jeremiah “Wheels” bit is pure comedy gold.
True story: One fine summer day in 1988, my uncle and I installed new shower doors in the bathroom of DeWayne Buice’s apartment in Orange County. Alas, the Angels wasn’t in town, to paraphrase Dave Parker, so we couldn’t visit with the star himself.
March 18th, 2010 at 9:30 pm
Hey, I remember when I played for the Expos in the 80′s everyone would sit around the clubhouse after practice, light up a few of my patented Big Bertha spliffs and watch Degrassi Jr. High! We all loved the way Wheels was constantly getting crapped on by life, and it made us feel so much better about being stuck in Montreal.
It used to be one of my dreams to one day meet and high five the brother who played Joey Jeremiah. And maybe nail the chick who played Caitlyn once she became legal. But nowadays I’m a God-fearing family man, and she’s probably chunked up since the 80s so no harm no foul, right? Right on!
March 19th, 2010 at 3:02 am
Something horribly tragic is about to happen, isn’t it?
March 19th, 2010 at 3:06 am
Anyway Rex, she hasn’t chunked up. Too bad for you.
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0593009/
March 19th, 2010 at 4:00 am
Hey, brother, I never use the phrase “too bad!” ‘cuz that’s too negative and I never let negative vibes get in the way of my sheer high-five driven life. It’s “REAL GOOD” for me! YEAH!
So what you’re really telling me is that she’s legal, still in good shape, but probably has some miles on her. Right on! That’s news Rex can use, brother!
March 19th, 2010 at 6:59 am
Oh shit. Just as I was getting my life back on track for the 5th time, a meteor smashed through my living room ceiling and killed the hooker I was shooting up with! Now they’re charging me with Meteoric Hookerslaughter due to gross negligence! And I think I got dick cancer from her! Plus I just moved to Cleveland!
March 19th, 2010 at 8:32 pm
Joey Jeremiah used to talk to me through my TV screen. But then the Corporations got wind that he was getting around their firewall to communicate with me and they cancelled him. Also the made him bald. Funny. His hair was too close to the truth so it had to go.
Bruno Gerussi still talks to me so they haven’t gotten to him yet.
March 19th, 2010 at 8:36 pm
Oh for fuck’s sake! I showed up to my arraignment drunk and accidentally killed a bailiff! Plus somehow I knocked up one of the court reporters and now I’m supposed to escort her to a back-alley abortionist because she doesn’t want to cross a picket line. But I’m probably going to be in prison so she’s just going to go ahead and have the damn kid, and then I’ll be on the hook for child support, which I won’t be able to pay so I’ll end up on one of those deadbeat dad episodes of Maury!
Could this day get any worse?
March 19th, 2010 at 8:40 pm
Just landed in Toronto! High five to all my Canadian brothers out there! YEAH!
March 20th, 2010 at 9:54 am
Wheels, didn’t you kill Lucy too? And maybe one of the twins? I can’t remember.
March 20th, 2010 at 10:00 am
I can’t be expected to keep track of everyone I’ve killed, bub. Just last week I met my long lost twin brother and accidentally killed him while I was cleaning one of my sawed off shotguns while drunk. Man, talk about lousy luck!
Oh, and it turned out that court reporter wasn’t pregnant after all. It was just a giant tumor, so now I’m going to have to spend lots of time at her bedside during the treatment.
It’s almost like that time six of my cousins were killed during the family reunion when the Camry I had stolen for a joy ride accelerated out of control. Turned out one of them wasn’t even my cousin, so he didn’t really count in the end.
March 20th, 2010 at 10:01 am
Nailed her! High five another one off Rex’s bucket list!
March 20th, 2010 at 10:11 am
Where the hell is Iggy these days?
March 20th, 2010 at 3:41 pm
Rex, that’s not very Christian of you. You know, unless you’re a Unitarian.
Krankor: He’s away for several weeks in the land of blue hair and passing in the right lane. You know – America’s Wang.
March 20th, 2010 at 6:09 pm
Right, I completely forgot that he was doing the snowbird thing. Just think of all the fresh, exciting content waiting for him when he gets back!
March 20th, 2010 at 6:18 pm
Urbano, brother, you’re absolutely right on! But when I let Jesus into my heart and He caught me on the rebound, down low, AND on the side, He and I agreed that I could make a “List”, and that if I ever got a chance to bone anyone on the List, He would give me a high five of forgiveness!
Turns out she was on the List, so there’s nothing un-Christian about it, brother. Come to think of it, I wonder if He’d be cool with me updating the List, ‘cuz it mostly contains chicks like Madonna and Sharon Stone and others from back in the day who now I wouldn’t high five with a paper bag over my head!
Know who else is on the List from my days in Montreal? Cynthia Dale. Wonder how she’s holding up?
March 20th, 2010 at 6:20 pm
Okay, so I think I’ve finally sorted my life out! I’m sober, going to AA meetings, temporarily out of prison, found God, and I’m dating a saint of a woman who is really worth changing for!
Things are going to be okay from now on. I can feel it!
March 20th, 2010 at 8:15 pm
Oh goddammit! You’re never gonna believe what happened to me now! Look, no matter what anyone says, it wasn’t my fault, and it’s hardly fair to call it “genocide” when clearly multiple ethnicities were involved…
March 21st, 2010 at 2:01 pm
Shit. I just got served with a paternity suit from some chick named Daniella A. Apple. I don’t remember her, but seriously: what are the chances it wasn’t me?
I just hope she was worth it.
March 21st, 2010 at 3:53 pm
Turns out Cynthia Dale wasn’t half bad looking, so SCORE! RIGHT ON!
March 21st, 2010 at 4:40 pm
I just checked. She wasn’t worth it.
March 21st, 2010 at 4:58 pm
Who are you talking about, brother? Cynthia Dale? She was TOTALLY worth it! High five!
March 21st, 2010 at 5:59 pm
Rex, you seem to be morphing into Hulk Hogan.
March 21st, 2010 at 9:24 pm
Who?
March 21st, 2010 at 9:28 pm
I think I just got AIDS from a dirty toilet seat in a truckstop bathroom. Son of a bitch!
March 24th, 2010 at 8:29 pm
I just adopted the most adorable kitten from the SPCA. I just have to get it home now where I swear by all that is holy that I will take care of this precious little animal as if it were my own child. I’m not fooling around this time. This cat will be treated like royalty. No screw ups for Wheels any more. This is where I turn it all around, with this beautiful living creature.
March 24th, 2010 at 8:30 pm
Fuck.
March 24th, 2010 at 8:44 pm
I am Jose Canseco’s twin brother. Why pay more for brand name Canseco when a genetically identical substitute can be had for a fraction of the cost? With Ozzie Canseco, you get almost all of the standard Jose features without the massive ego caused by fame and money. Don’t waste money on stylish designer names when the same quality Canseco goodness can be yours for pennies on your Canseco dollar. You don’t need to sacrifice quality for value.
I also do birthday parties. I will strip for your enjoyment. I’m not proud. I will beg if necessary.
March 25th, 2010 at 6:58 pm
Hey, I played with Ozzie in ’92 with the Cardinals. In fact, he was the one who lost the most money on the Rally Bug bet. Oz could have been a good player if he hadn’t broken off so many steroid needles in his ass. Brother could barely walk to first base!
March 26th, 2010 at 9:36 pm
Even I couldn’t make a good ballplayer out of Ozzie Canseco, and I’m a lawyer! So if even a certified genius such as myself can’t do it, what hope had mere (non-lawyer) mortals?
March 26th, 2010 at 9:46 pm
In Czech Republic I am having reputation much like this Hud of yours. He is known for great enthusiasm and energy just like Jiri. One time I am telling Radek Dvorak he is to be calling his wife for emergency but she is fine.
When we win I am doing naked handstands for entire team in locker room. The great Jaromir Jagr is having seen my penis upside down.
March 27th, 2010 at 8:58 pm
Cripes, even I don’t remember who the hell I am.
March 27th, 2010 at 9:00 pm
DeWayne, not everyone can be a star like me.
March 27th, 2010 at 9:23 pm
I’m still creeped right the fuck out by that Dopita/Jagr penis thing. Gruesome.
April 12th, 2010 at 8:46 am
Oh my heavens. This Joey Jeremiah “Wheels” bit is pure comedy gold.
True story: One fine summer day in 1988, my uncle and I installed new shower doors in the bathroom of DeWayne Buice’s apartment in Orange County. Alas, the Angels wasn’t in town, to paraphrase Dave Parker, so we couldn’t visit with the star himself.