Roscoe Stoneman, Children’s Author.

You have been warned.

It is the key.

by Daniella A. Apple, Gaianaut

I’m getting to hear a lot more about the news these days because I’m in the hospital. I broke my leg by stepping on a seagull at the landfill when I was hunting for treasures so I can make art from the garbage of the decadent western social society. I think I killed the seagull, which would normally make me feel bad but I think it transfered its soul to me when it died and now we are together forever. That’s exactly what happened to Michael Jackson and Corey Feldman, I think.

Because I’m in the hospital I get to read the newspaper every day. I normally read the papers when one of them blows under the Highway 274 overpass, but usually they’re a few days old and yellow from hobo pee. The ones in the hospital are sanitized or something so you can’t even smell the pee anymore. There is also a TV but I don’t watch it because I don’t want to become some sort of zombie and have to follow Peter Mansbridge’s orders. And what happened to Knowlton Nash, anyway? I bet he knew too much.

The newspaper is full of stories about earthquakes all over the world. And something named Justin Bieber which appears to be a disease or something. Always wear condoms! Always! And now there is a story about a volcano in Iceland that is blowing up, and since Iceland is part of Norway I think we all know that someone is up to no good. All I know is that the Norwegians will only turn off the volcano when they have gotten what they want, and I don’t need to tell you what that is. I wish they would catch Justin Bieber and die.

What is really happening is obvious if you’re not a sheeple who is manipulated by the Corporations and Peter Mansbridge. The Earth is telling us to stop! Whenever there is an earthquake it either means that Mother Earth is angry or maybe Glooscap is dancing, but either way it is a big warning sign to the nations of the world to stop what they are doing and listen. Personally I think the Earth is telling us all to get rid of chemicals and vaccinations, but it could be other things too, like giving legal rights to our pet companion animals. Knowlton Nash would know, which is why CBC froze him.

The Iceland volcano turned off all of the airplanes in Europe, apparently. Shouldn’t the Delta and Pan Am and Air Canada and Air Jordan all take a good long look in the mirror and ask themselves why the Earth itself is rising up to disrupt their schedules? Now I’ve never flown before because I think you lose your soul when you pass through the wormhole, but lots of people do so clearly this is a message that should be heard loud and clear. Funny. People won’t listen. I’ve been telling them for years and they never listen to me, so why would they listen to Earth?

by Reginald Phlegmingham, Flames Fan

‘Sup, bitches? I can tell you what’s up: my patience with my favourite team, the Calgary Flames. Or as I like to call them these days, The Sutter Circle Jerks. Oh I know what you’re thinking: “Doesn’t Reggie usually just point out Lord Edmund Bryll’s many glaring flaws?” True that. But right now I’m filled with righteous fury at the cluster fuck in Calgary, so I need to blow off some steam. Eddie gets the weak shit, ‘cuz that’s all he rates — but step back, because Reg is about to drop some weapons grade beat down on the Sutters. Assholes.

So there I was the other night, crammed into the Saddledome with 19,000 other fans to watch the Flames take on the San Jose Dipshits. As usual, the place smelled like Sportchek. I was in my luxury box with some of my homeboys from the local oil industry, who didn’t so much watch the game as tolerate it as background noise while they messaged their mistresses from their Blackberries. The usual shit, you dig?

But I wasn’t wasting any time on my Blackberry, I can tell you that straight up. My mistress? Ho can wait until the game is over, is the way I roll. Nope, I was watching my team get bounced from the motherfucking playoffs by a bunch of pussies in teal jerseys. Okay, so technically they weren’t eliminated until later in the evening when the Avalancheisn’tevenaproperteamname beat the Hongcouver Cafucks in overtime. But the Flames pretty much made sure they would miss the playoffs by basically playing like guttershite. Damn.

Who is to blame for this season’s fuckuperry? Let me give you a hint: In a just world, every last member of the Sutter family — including their wives, kids, dogs, and fucking goldfish — would be relegated to coaching PeeWee in Frozen Teat, Manitoba. Naw, that’s too harsh. The kids of Frozen Teat deserve better than to be coached by those inbreds.

Since the run to the Stanley Cup Finals in ’04, Daryl Sutter has architected a team that was perfect for bombing out in the first round of the playoffs. Those fuckers do more bed shitting than Lord Eddie when he forgets to wear his Depends. This year they couldn’t even wait until the playoffs to do that. After hiring his brother in the off-season, sending away the Dion for a collection of knick knacks from the Maple Leafs’ junk drawer, making a bunch of other trades a masturbating chimpanzee would avoid (Steve Staios? WTF?), swapping away all of his draft picks from now until Judgement Day, and crafting a roster who couldn’t score at a drunken cougar convention, Daryl and his kin should be quarantined to their pig farm or whatever the fuck it is they farm out in Hicksville, Alberta. I’ll tell you what they farm out that way: shitty hockey coaches, that’s what.

Well sir, I’m done with these bunch of half-assed pantywaists. The minute the Flames are no longer contenders is the minute I go shopping for another team to cheer for. I’ll be back once they start winning again. Does that make me a fair-weather fan? Yes. Do I give a shit? No. The Phlegmer is a winner, and he sticks by winners. Losers can all get AIDS and die.

Very low right now. Wish I could high-five my way out of it.

by Ingvar Jævel

Hello again to you all! Once again it is I, Ingvar! From Norway! This time it has only been a short while since I last wrote to you all! Consider yourselves very lucky! The last time I sent my own mother a birthday card was 2006! Right before she ran off with that asshole Swede!

Today I am very excited! Last time I wrote I told you all how I joined Scientology and then was forcibly un-joined from Scientology because I made Tom Cruise cry! That is okay because I didn’t find much spiritual fulfillment in Scientology! Only gibbering lunacy! And Jenna Elfman’s naked boobies covered in maple syrup, but that is a story I am not supposed to share! We Norwegians are discreet!

Now I am seeking spiritual fulfillment at the altar of America’s truest well of religious fervour! The Apple Store! I am waiting in line outside of a famous Apple Store waiting to “buy” a new computing device that will make life perfect and also make my dick longer! Not that it needs to be!

The famous Apple iPad will change the world by giving people the ability to talk about how world changing it is! I can’t wait to “buy” one and then tell everyone around me that it is perfect and beautiful and better than any computing device I have ever owned! I will tell them this before I have turned it on! I will tell them that if they do not own an iPad they are worthless and unworthy of my attention! I would tell them that anyway but now I can blame it on the iPad!

I will update this post once the lineup moves and I get a chance to “purchase” a famous iPad! I will let you know about its important features! Like the amount of RAMS it has! And whether you can watch important things on it, like Japanese Tentacle Porn!

UPDATE: I tried to get to the front of the line by telling the “Genius” at the door that I am a friend of Steve Jobs! But the “Genius” did not believe me! Steve is going to be so pissed!

UPDATE: The girl behind me tells me she loves Apple products because they “just work”! I tell her I love Apple products because they can show me Tentacle Porn! She is now very quiet! I think she is contemplating my wisdom!

UPDATE: The line is finally moving! I make mooing sounds to show everyone how they are acting like cattle! It is a hilarious joke but nobody laughs I think because they are waiting for the iPad to tell them it is okay to laugh!

UPDATE: One “Genius” asks me if I am Swedish because of my accent! Ha ha! It is a good thing I have a good sense of humour otherwise the “Genius” would never get the smell of dog shit out of the upholstery of his car! Instead he should be able to wash it off the door handles with only a little effort! Swedish indeed!

UPDATE: I just now notice that I do not make any iPuns at all so far! So here are some for your enjoyment! iDon’t iNtend to pay for my iPad! iTuck one in my jacket and iScuttle for the iExit! Puns are funny!

UPDATE: I now have an iPad! I am bigger than Jesus! The one problem is I can’t find where to stick the hex wrench to bolt all of the parts together! Fucking Swedes!

UPDATE: The last update was a joke of course! Swedes could never make something as beautiful as an iPad! They haven’t figured out how to make circuit boards out of knotty pine!

UPDATE: The iPad is very pretty! I show it to some homeless people and they were very impressed! Better than their lame ass computing devices, I can tell you that for sure!

UPDATE: I am posting this update from my iPad! I am better than you! Also, I have an iPad!

UPDATE: Now I am taking the famous iPad to a coffee shop! I want to see if the iPad can help me get laid! If so, then Steve Jobs’ life will not have been in vain!

UPDATE: The pretty girl at the coffee shop was very impressed with the iPad! She was not impressed with the way I pointed out her many personal flaws! But she put out anyway! Such is the power of the famous iPad! To my surprise it is not only good for Tentacle Porn!

Wonder what Ingvar would have to say about this? Something insulting, probably.

[Mark] Langston is a high priest in the Cult of Hud. He recites Hudler stories with affection. “There’s something mythic about Hud,” says Langston, a friend of Hudler’s since their year together on the Montreal Expos in 1989. In ’91, when Hudler was with the St. Louis Cardinals, Langston formed the Hud Fan Club in the Angels clubhouse. “We wore HEADFIRST HUDLER T-shirts and followed his stats,” Langston says. “I’d be lying in my hotel bed and the phone would ring, and it would be one of the guys yelling, ‘Did you see what Hud did on SportsCenter tonight? The guy is unreal.’ ”

No more unreal than the handstand push-ups Hudler does—naked—after big victories. Or the way he used to spit at a drawing of a sneering Pete Rose “out of respect.”

Emphasis added. Righteous.

by Ingvar Jævel

Hello once again to you all! It is I, Ingvar! From Norway!

I know it has been a long time since my last story about my adventures in Scientology, but I have a good excuse! I did not feel like writing anything for you! Do not be offended! You can’t help it!

So as I said before, my fake band of Swedish assholes, The Knötty Pine Coffins, were invited to play at an important Scientology gathering of nuts and crazies! It turns out it was to celebrate Tom Cruise being the most important actor in Scientology and for him not being actually gay, at least in public! That is the kind of event I, Ingvar, can really get excited about!

My band consisted of me, Ingvar, and three guys I found at the Ikea cafeteria who were willing to play along for a chance to see Jenna Elfman’s boobies! Not that I technically promised that to them! I told them to talk like the Swedish Chef from the Muppets, and nobody questioned it because that is exactly what real Swedes sound like! Not beautiful and lyrical like Norwegians!

We played near the end of the show after Tom Cruise had already received his big award and had told everyone in the audience how much L. Ron Hubbard had changed the world for the better! By writing shitty science fiction! Tom did not say that last part, but we Norwegians can read between the lines! There was also music from some other bands who made The Knötty Pine Coffins sound like an actual band! They sang songs written by L. Ron Hubbard, who it turns out was even better at writing shitty music than he was at writing shitty science fiction! And shitty religion, for that matter!

Tom Cruise sat in the front row with the vacuous mannequin wife of his and applauded like a lunatic when we came on stage! I shouted “LRH Rocks!” because they call L. Ron Hubbard “LRH” and apparently believe he rocks! But he doesn’t! He is dead!

We sang our first song which I called “The Bridge to Happiness Spans the Waters of Batshit Insanity” and they loved it even though we basically just beat on our instruments and screamed a lot! They loved it so much you could see them visibly squirming in their seats! Tom’s smile was even more frozen than usual!

Then we went for the big finale! I told the audience that the next song was written especially for Tom and that it was the most important thing I had ever written! The crowd went wild and Tom blew me a kiss even though neither I nor he are allegedly gay! Just a friendly heterosexual kiss between manly Norwegian and possibly not gay movie star! I was very motivated to put on a good show after that!

We started playing and the first midget came out dressed in a white shirt, white socks, and sunglasses! I could tell the audience loved it by the way they gasped! Then another midget came out dressed in a leather jacket and sunglasses and we played a couple of notes from the Top Gun theme! The audience went wild with approving boos! Then the sheep came out! You can guess what happened next, because the midgets were very well paid and tested for dick anthrax after the show!

By now the nice security men had unplugged our instruments and came on stage to escort us from the building! I suggested to one of them that the most comely sheep could be brought to his room if he let me go! I am sure the punch was meant affectionately!

I never did see Tom’s reaction once the sheep came on stage! I like to think I have inspired him in my own small way by making him look like a midget fucker of sheep! We Norwegians are a helpful people! Not like those bastard Swedes in my band who didn’t even help when I kicked the security guard right in his meatballs!

But now I am free from Scientology! I have made peace with Xenu, but PETA was not happy about the sheep thing!

More Scientology adventures from Ingvar:

My spiritual side is an Asshole!
I am in a band! For spiritual fulfilment!
You can’t fool all of the people all of the time unless they are Scientologists!