As I’ve aged, I’ve actually become much more mellow about grammar, spelling, pronunciation, and word usage. This is in part because I recognize (”reckanize”) that variance in language gives it flavour, and in part because I work with a large number of techies who can be ridiculously anal about things like code formatting but wouldn’t know the difference between “you’re”, “your”, and “yore” if it was tattooed on their scrotums.

So I don’t get too riled up about usages like “I’m doing real good” or “anyways” or even “irregardless”, and I couldn’t give a rat’s about the Oxford comma (though I favour it, personally) or the placement of commas relative to quotation marks (where I tend to favour the British practice). I’ve even grown annoyed at the pedants who have to raise a stink whenever a sports broadcaster uses the word “decimate”, as in, “The Oilers were decimated by injuries last season.” Yes, we know that “decimate” originally meant removing or destroying a tenth of something. Fuck off.

But…

There are a handful that still bug me, because they’re not really evidence of the evolution of word usages (the way “decimate” arguably is), but rather because they’re just the wrong. fucking. word. So here are the ones that continue to piss me off:

1. Regime instead of regimen. How many times have you heard sports broadcasters talk about a team’s training “regime”? Yes, some dictionaries treat them as possible synonyms, but that’s bullshit. A regime is analogous to a ruling party or system of control, and a regimen is a program or course.
2. Enormity, as in “really big” when what it means is “heinous”. Barack Obama even used the word this way in his acceptance speech, referring to the history-making importance of the election. Arguably, this is an example of the language evolving, similar in character to the “decimate” example, but I don’t care. It bugs me anyway. “Decimate” at least has the virtue of being a related word — to take away one tenth of something is damaging, if more specific than the original usage — but using “enormity” to indicate scale is a simple substitution because the word sounds like it should be related to “enormous”. Consequently, the potential for serious misunderstanding is very high. For example, if I say, “I was surprised by the enormity of Sporkless’s political treatise”, am I complimenting him by remarking upon how large it is, or am I accusing him of being an asshole?
3. Disinterested, in place of uninterested. I’m not even going to explain it, because it’s probably a lost cause by now. Suffice to say that if i ever land in court, I damn well want a disinterested judge, not an uninterested one.
4. The many ridiculous uses for “hack”. Hack your memory. Laundry hacks. “Mindhacks”. Hack your car. Go hack yourself, you fucking hacks. Not every little tip & trick deserves to be called a “hack”.

So these ones bug me. I’m 100% certain, knowing my small but erudite audience, that more will be appearing in the comments. I’m also 100% certain that someone will want to point out all of the mistakes I made in this post, likely questioning my authority to pontificate (ha!) on the topic, etc. If you’re in the former group, have at ‘er. If you’re in the latter group, eat shit and die. Or maybe it’s “eat, shit, and die”. Either way is good.

Even after the election, she gives us so much comedy. Swoon:

Must credit David Suzuki

Must credit the Drummer from Platinum Blonde

Must credit Roch Voisine

Must credit Dave “Tiger” Williams

Must credit Ernie Whitt

Must credit Lord Edmund Bryll