by Daniella A. Apple, Gaianaut

I’m getting to hear a lot more about the news these days because I’m in the hospital. I broke my leg by stepping on a seagull at the landfill when I was hunting for treasures so I can make art from the garbage of the decadent western social society. I think I killed the seagull, which would normally make me feel bad but I think it transfered its soul to me when it died and now we are together forever. That’s exactly what happened to Michael Jackson and Corey Feldman, I think.

Because I’m in the hospital I get to read the newspaper every day. I normally read the papers when one of them blows under the Highway 274 overpass, but usually they’re a few days old and yellow from hobo pee. The ones in the hospital are sanitized or something so you can’t even smell the pee anymore. There is also a TV but I don’t watch it because I don’t want to become some sort of zombie and have to follow Peter Mansbridge’s orders. And what happened to Knowlton Nash, anyway? I bet he knew too much.

The newspaper is full of stories about earthquakes all over the world. And something named Justin Bieber which appears to be a disease or something. Always wear condoms! Always! And now there is a story about a volcano in Iceland that is blowing up, and since Iceland is part of Norway I think we all know that someone is up to no good. All I know is that the Norwegians will only turn off the volcano when they have gotten what they want, and I don’t need to tell you what that is. I wish they would catch Justin Bieber and die.

What is really happening is obvious if you’re not a sheeple who is manipulated by the Corporations and Peter Mansbridge. The Earth is telling us to stop! Whenever there is an earthquake it either means that Mother Earth is angry or maybe Glooscap is dancing, but either way it is a big warning sign to the nations of the world to stop what they are doing and listen. Personally I think the Earth is telling us all to get rid of chemicals and vaccinations, but it could be other things too, like giving legal rights to our pet companion animals. Knowlton Nash would know, which is why CBC froze him.

The Iceland volcano turned off all of the airplanes in Europe, apparently. Shouldn’t the Delta and Pan Am and Air Canada and Air Jordan all take a good long look in the mirror and ask themselves why the Earth itself is rising up to disrupt their schedules? Now I’ve never flown before because I think you lose your soul when you pass through the wormhole, but lots of people do so clearly this is a message that should be heard loud and clear. Funny. People won’t listen. I’ve been telling them for years and they never listen to me, so why would they listen to Earth?

By Daniella A. Apple

So I heard somewhere last week that President Barackobama is going to stop sending NASA army men to the moon. Good! Except I don’t really trust it. Mr. Barackobama seems nice and everything, and even though he’s African-Canadian (well, half African-Canadian at least) I still think he is telling us lies about what is really happening on the moon. Maybe he doesn’t know. The Norwegians might not have told him yet.

Some crazy people believe that Lance Armstrong didn’t really go to the moon in the 1960s. Funny. I know lots of people who’ve been to the moon, and even to other planets outside of the moon. I even had sex with some of them, so I know the moon landings really took place. The crazies and conspiracy theorists are all paid shills to keep us from knowing about Monsanto’s massive zucchini plantations on the moon. Well, they don’t call them “crazies” for nothing I guess.

Anyway, Mr. Barackobama said he would stop the moon missions, which is good if it is true. We waste millions of dollars sending army men to the moon when there are people starving right here in Deershit Hills! Also, I hear that astronauts have to poop in space diapers, which seems like some sort of human rights abuse. I’ll ask PETA at the next meeting. Don’t even talk to me about Tang.

As a politician I really know what it’s like to make tough political decisions, especially ones the Corporations don’t want you to say anything about. So what would I do about space exploration? Funny. I don’t have to tell you that.

On Friday I watched the opening ceremonies of the Olympic “Games” in British Empire Columbia. Normally I don’t watch things like this because the Highway 274 overpass doesn’t get good TV reception or electricity. But on Friday I was at the Denny’s on Fertilizer Runoff Lane and they had a TV on that showed everything. Normally I wouldn’t watch but this time I figured I would take a chance that I could keep my mind from being controlled if I kept my good eye mostly closed during the commercials.

I did not like what I saw. First of all, I thought it was a grave insult to the Native Aboriginal Indians that the “Games” are being held on their sacred burial grounds! If all of those athletes go home with voodoo curses on them, who will be laughing then? The Corporations, that’s who. When the Corporationist athlete sheeple were herded in they forced a bunch of Native Aboriginal Indians to dance and play drums and things but they never once addressed the deep shame of the World’s treatment of those Indiana Aborigine Natives. Funny. I thought Canada was “the land of the free and the home of the brave”, not the place that makes Native Aborginals dance on their sacred grave sites for Brian Williams.

Also where were the people representing the gay and lesbian nations? They should have danced too. Ashley McIssac does not count. Sometimes in parades there are whole gay floats. Funny. The Olympics are supposed to be about the oppressed peoples of the world, so where was the gay float at the opening ceremonies? Where were the gay and lesbian Aboriginal  Indian Natives? And transsexuals? I know where they are. In prisons run by Monsanto.

And the other thing that made me mad was the guy they got to carry the Torch at the end and drive in the pickup truck. I don’t know who he is but I do know that it should have been Tommy Douglas, or else Wayne Gretzky.

The only part I liked was the slam poet because he looks like a boy I had a crush on in high school. He never shaved either.

by Daniella A. Apple, Christioventalismist

I bet a lot of you think that the world environment on Earth is just fine and we don’t have to worry about anything because there is no pollution or chemicals in our lettuce. Wrong! That’s what they want you to believe. They also want you to believe that showering is necessary or that I shouldn’t carry my cat’s poopies in my purse, but I can see through them, just like the Invisible Man can see through everyone.

I read a little while ago that Al Gore was given a Nobel Peace Prize in Chemistry for making a movie about the environment, but I don’t remember Al Gore coming to any of the environmentalist meet ups in northern Saskatchewan, so colour me skeptical about him. He also is supposed to have invented the Internet. Funny. We all know Jesus created the Internet! But of course the real story isn’t Al Gore trying to steal Jesus’s thunder, but it’s really about who gives out the Nobel Chemistry Peace Prizes: the Norwegians!

Sure, they say that the Norwegians are not responsible for destructing most of the world environment and they are only giving out prizes to people who want to keep destruction from happening. Funny. These are the same people who tell me to stop carrying cat shit. Can we really trust them? I know what my answer is.

We all know that Norwegians only want one thing, and that is to convert us all into being Norwegians and not Christians, and also to ruin the environment to make more money for the Corporations, and also to keep chiropractors from saving us from lower back pain. It is too late for Al Gore. They already converted him and now he tries to tell us he and Tipper were the inspiration for Love Story and not Jesus and Tipper. He is also very boring.

Don’t let the Norwegians fool you! They don’t want what’s right for the Earth environment, but only evil and forced showers for everyone.

Anyway, I was just doing some housecleaning on this here bloglike device, and noticed dozens of abortive posts. Many of them exist solely as enigmatic titles, and whose prospective contents I no longer remember. Here are some of the more promising sounding ones:

• The Krankor Level of Excellence: The Reachatariat
• Bashing Leno is so easy…
• Dick
• Do Not Press This Button
• O, Lincoln, O Chariot of My Nocturnal Reveries!
• What makes you think you’re so damn special?
• INGVAR YOU ARE MINE!
• It’s fun to be evil
• I broke the Internet
• <THIS SPACE LEFT INTENTIONALLY BLANK>
• Federal bailout cheque in hand, I retire to the study to raise a glass of Night Train in celebration
• Thoughts on my experiences with the profligate, not to say fishmongering, wastrels of the reindeer infested nations of Scandanavia
• Men want to be me, and women want to have sex with me
• Iran brings the funny

Naturally, some of those are from Lord Bryll, the Captain, Daniella, etc. Speaking of Lord Bryll, there are numerous half-finished posts sentences of his floating around in the Drafts folder. For example:

Now, if you will allow me a modicum of artistic license in service to the argument I am about to make, by which allowance I hope to convey the particular strength of feeling I harbour toward the subject at hand, I wish to begin by using terminology which may be altogether too strong, not to say shocking, to those among you of more a more sensitive, or, more particularly, feminine nature, in which case I must forcefully suggest you cease reading this missive before I reach the point where I employ the word “fuck”, I offer my most considered and, as I shall explained, well informed opinion that Scandanavians, and in particular those of a Norwegianic persuasion, are fishmongering shit-arses. Yes, quite, hmm.

Now, my assertion, shocking though it may be, particularly if you are unaccustomed to such frank discourse, is of course based upon a wealth of personal experience and, naturally, rather exuberant predjudice.

And this near-classic:

As I quickly approach the anniversary of my birth, which those among you with some unwarranted but nevertheless flattering curiosity should note is sufficiently advanced to claim a degree of wisdom and dignity but not of a vintage which would indicate a loss of understanding of the cultural mores of the day, leaving aside the rather horrible music the kids listen to these days, I am reminded of a time in my younger years, specifically here referring to my frolicking boyhood, whence I would dream of the clever wooden toys and carefully wrapped parcels of tobacco and rock salt that would inevitably be gifted upon your humble servant at the break of dawn on said anniversary. Hm, yes, hmm. Quite.

And finally, this little slice of fried gold:

An altogether admirable man, whom I had the distinct privilege of knowing as an amicable acquaintance, not to say friend, once observed that money cannot buy happiness, but being wealthy is in all circumstances preferable to being destitute and poor. Ha! Ha! He also said some rather controversial things about the Chinaman, as well, upon which I am disinclined to elaborate or dwell here out of respect for our esteemed Oriental friends, given the altogether unflattering, not to say slanderous, nature of said comments. But I digress…

By popular demand, I’m introducing a new feature that will make Krankor 27.43% more interactive and also bring us into compliance with DoD 5015.02-STD (our auditors tell us we need this to get ISO 9000 certification).

So, in the comments below, I invite you to ask any question you like of any of the Krankor stable of unstable personalities. No topic is off limits, though I strongly suggest you don’t get into Daniella’s sex life.

Our panel consists of:

• Krankor, your gracious host
• Lord Edmund Bryll
• Daniella A. Apple
• Lady Edwina Bryll
• Ingvar Jævel
• Ales Hemsky
• The Captain

Ask away. No question will go unanswered.

So I have been protesting out in front of the Walmart because it is the most evil Corporation the planet has ever seen. People tell me I am exaggerating but I will prove them wrong with my protest signs comparing Walmart to Hitler. I think I am convincing lots of sheeple because they won’t make eye contact with me. That tells me they understand.

There is a machine in front of the store that sells Corporatist newspapers. I won’t pay for their nasty propaganda but sometimes I do read the headlines on the front. I figure they can’t infect me with their advertising mind control if I keep one eye closed and don’t read for too long, and besides I have a very strong mind because I am an environmentalist. Also I can stay in touch with what is happening in the world, at least from the military-industrial complex perspective of the Deershit Hills Gazette.

The other day there was a headline about somebody named Alex Rodriguez taking steroids in baseball. Funny. I thought they called it Football in Spain. Anyway, apparently he did steroids while playing baseball and that was somehow “cheating”. But we all know that professional sports is just a way for the capitalist Corporation government powers to keep idiots and rednecks entertained so they don’t question the powers that be for keeping them trapped in a Corporate fantasy Matrix of docility. Also, those assholes are millionaires.

But the real reason steroids is bad isn’t that they let people cheat. That’s what they want you to believe! No, the real reason is that it destroys the environment, but don’t expect the Gazette with its Nazi reporters to tell you that. The real problem isn’t even the pharmaceutical Corporations who rape the natural world to make steroids for rich crybaby athletes. Funny. If you think that, you are even stupider than they want you to be.

What happens is, when athletes take steroids, they get bigger muscles and consume more of the Earth’s precious irreplaceable resources so that is bad right there. But even worse is that they run faster and breathe a lot faster, and when they do they breathe in fresh air and breathe out carbon dioxide. And maybe even steroid vapor though my experiments can’t confirm that yet. Anyway, all that carbon dioxide is causing the global warming of the entire Earth, which means the Alex Rodriguez is killing lots more people than just the ones on the baseball field. I don’t know what the laws are like in Spain but here they should make one that stops steroid users from destroying the planet. It just makes sense.

• Inspired by those clowns who decided to send Joe the Plumber to Israel to “report” on the conflict there, I’ve been in touch with Ingvar and he has agreed to be our correspondent at Obama’s inauguration, representing Krankor Media. Assuming it all goes well — and you’d be a drooling moron to assume otherwise, I think –  he may end up being sent on assignment to more dangerous locales. Like Detroit.
• Lord Edmund Bryll sent me a text message the other day. Well, it was too long for a single SMS, so it was split up a bit: fucker cost me $800 in message surcharges from Telus. Anyway, the gist of it is that he’s putting the finishing touches on his scholarly exploration of the proposed bailout of the auto industry, from the point of view of what his old chum Henry Ford would have said about it (something anti-Semitic, is my guess).
• Iggy casts his critical eye upon Obama’s prospective cabinet nominees and finds them lacking, to which I ask rhetorically: short of filling the spots with former Nixon cronies, who on earth could a liberal President propose that Iggy wouldn’t find wanting? (Hint: nobody) In any case, I think it’s time I had a careful look at the nominees to evaluate their credentials vis a vis the only issue that matters: zombies.
• Daniella A. Apple’s side of the story.

Don’t miss it!

A mistrial was declared today in the trial of an area man accused of stealing over $10,000 in electronics from the Larvae Oaks Wal-Mart in September. Raymund O’Toole, 27, of Landfill Gultch, is accused of breaking into the department store in the early hours of September 4, 2008, making off with dozens of iPods, DVD players, and home entertainment systems. Judge Herbert Sandford declared a mistrial, citing “inappropriate communication between a juror and the accused.” O’Toole’s lawyer, Fred Tollefson, said a juror made repeated attempts to contact his client by sending notes, text messages, and “items of a very personal and deeply disturbing nature.” Prosecutor Johan Ragnar agreed with the decision. A retrial date has not been set.