by Daniella A. Apple, Gaianaut

I’m getting to hear a lot more about the news these days because I’m in the hospital. I broke my leg by stepping on a seagull at the landfill when I was hunting for treasures so I can make art from the garbage of the decadent western social society. I think I killed the seagull, which would normally make me feel bad but I think it transfered its soul to me when it died and now we are together forever. That’s exactly what happened to Michael Jackson and Corey Feldman, I think.

Because I’m in the hospital I get to read the newspaper every day. I normally read the papers when one of them blows under the Highway 274 overpass, but usually they’re a few days old and yellow from hobo pee. The ones in the hospital are sanitized or something so you can’t even smell the pee anymore. There is also a TV but I don’t watch it because I don’t want to become some sort of zombie and have to follow Peter Mansbridge’s orders. And what happened to Knowlton Nash, anyway? I bet he knew too much.

The newspaper is full of stories about earthquakes all over the world. And something named Justin Bieber which appears to be a disease or something. Always wear condoms! Always! And now there is a story about a volcano in Iceland that is blowing up, and since Iceland is part of Norway I think we all know that someone is up to no good. All I know is that the Norwegians will only turn off the volcano when they have gotten what they want, and I don’t need to tell you what that is. I wish they would catch Justin Bieber and die.

What is really happening is obvious if you’re not a sheeple who is manipulated by the Corporations and Peter Mansbridge. The Earth is telling us to stop! Whenever there is an earthquake it either means that Mother Earth is angry or maybe Glooscap is dancing, but either way it is a big warning sign to the nations of the world to stop what they are doing and listen. Personally I think the Earth is telling us all to get rid of chemicals and vaccinations, but it could be other things too, like giving legal rights to our pet companion animals. Knowlton Nash would know, which is why CBC froze him.

The Iceland volcano turned off all of the airplanes in Europe, apparently. Shouldn’t the Delta and Pan Am and Air Canada and Air Jordan all take a good long look in the mirror and ask themselves why the Earth itself is rising up to disrupt their schedules? Now I’ve never flown before because I think you lose your soul when you pass through the wormhole, but lots of people do so clearly this is a message that should be heard loud and clear. Funny. People won’t listen. I’ve been telling them for years and they never listen to me, so why would they listen to Earth?

Hello again to you all! Once again it is I, Ingvar! From Norway! This time it has only been a short while since I last wrote to you all! Consider yourselves very lucky! The last time I sent my own mother a birthday card was 2006! Right before she ran off with that asshole Swede!

Today I am very excited! Last time I wrote I told you all how I joined Scientology and then was forcibly un-joined from Scientology because I made Tom Cruise cry! That is okay because I didn’t find much spiritual fulfillment in Scientology! Only gibbering lunacy! And Jenna Elfman’s naked boobies covered in maple syrup, but that is a story I am not supposed to share! We Norwegians are discreet!

Now I am seeking spiritual fulfillment at the altar of America’s truest well of religious fervour! The Apple Store! I am waiting in line outside of a famous Apple Store waiting to “buy” a new computing device that will make life perfect and also make my dick longer! Not that it needs to be!

The famous Apple iPad will change the world by giving people the ability to talk about how world changing it is! I can’t wait to “buy” one and then tell everyone around me that it is perfect and beautiful and better than any computing device I have ever owned! I will tell them this before I have turned it on! I will tell them that if they do not own an iPad they are worthless and unworthy of my attention! I would tell them that anyway but now I can blame it on the iPad!

I will update this post once the lineup moves and I get a chance to “purchase” a famous iPad! I will let you know about its important features! Like the amount of RAMS it has! And whether you can watch important things on it, like Japanese Tentacle Porn!

UPDATE: I tried to get to the front of the line by telling the “Genius” at the door that I am a friend of Steve Jobs! But the “Genius” did not believe me! Steve is going to be so pissed!

UPDATE: The girl behind me tells me she loves Apple products because they “just work”! I tell her I love Apple products because they can show me Tentacle Porn! She is now very quiet! I think she is contemplating my wisdom!

UPDATE: The line is finally moving! I make mooing sounds to show everyone how they are acting like cattle! It is a hilarious joke but nobody laughs I think because they are waiting for the iPad to tell them it is okay to laugh!

UPDATE: One “Genius” asks me if I am Swedish because of my accent! Ha ha! It is a good thing I have a good sense of humour otherwise the “Genius” would never get the smell of dog shit out of the upholstery of his car! Instead he should be able to wash it off the door handles with only a little effort! Swedish indeed!

UPDATE: I just now notice that I do not make any iPuns at all so far! So here are some for your enjoyment! iDon’t iNtend to pay for my iPad! iTuck one in my jacket and iScuttle for the iExit! Puns are funny!

UPDATE: I now have an iPad! I am bigger than Jesus! The one problem is I can’t find where to stick the hex wrench to bolt all of the parts together! Fucking Swedes!

UPDATE: The last update was a joke of course! Swedes could never make something as beautiful as an iPad! They haven’t figured out how to make circuit boards out of knotty pine!

UPDATE: The iPad is very pretty! I show it to some homeless people and they were very impressed! Better than their lame ass computing devices, I can tell you that for sure!

UPDATE: I am posting this update from my iPad! I am better than you! Also, I have an iPad!

UPDATE: Now I am taking the famous iPad to a coffee shop! I want to see if the iPad can help me get laid! If so, then Steve Jobs’ life will not have been in vain!

UPDATE: The pretty girl at the coffee shop was very impressed with the iPad! She was not impressed with the way I pointed out her many personal flaws! But she put out anyway! Such is the power of the famous iPad! To my surprise it is not only good for Tentacle Porn!

Hello once again to you all! It is I, Ingvar! From Norway!

I know it has been a long time since my last story about my adventures in Scientology, but I have a good excuse! I did not feel like writing anything for you! Do not be offended! You can’t help it!

So as I said before, my fake band of Swedish assholes, The Knötty Pine Coffins, were invited to play at an important Scientology gathering of nuts and crazies! It turns out it was to celebrate Tom Cruise being the most important actor in Scientology and for him not being actually gay, at least in public! That is the kind of event I, Ingvar, can really get excited about!

My band consisted of me, Ingvar, and three guys I found at the Ikea cafeteria who were willing to play along for a chance to see Jenna Elfman’s boobies! Not that I technically promised that to them! I told them to talk like the Swedish Chef from the Muppets, and nobody questioned it because that is exactly what real Swedes sound like! Not beautiful and lyrical like Norwegians!

We played near the end of the show after Tom Cruise had already received his big award and had told everyone in the audience how much L. Ron Hubbard had changed the world for the better! By writing shitty science fiction! Tom did not say that last part, but we Norwegians can read between the lines! There was also music from some other bands who made The Knötty Pine Coffins sound like an actual band! They sang songs written by L. Ron Hubbard, who it turns out was even better at writing shitty music than he was at writing shitty science fiction! And shitty religion, for that matter!

Tom Cruise sat in the front row with the vacuous mannequin wife of his and applauded like a lunatic when we came on stage! I shouted “LRH Rocks!” because they call L. Ron Hubbard “LRH” and apparently believe he rocks! But he doesn’t! He is dead!

We sang our first song which I called “The Bridge to Happiness Spans the Waters of Batshit Insanity” and they loved it even though we basically just beat on our instruments and screamed a lot! They loved it so much you could see them visibly squirming in their seats! Tom’s smile was even more frozen than usual!

Then we went for the big finale! I told the audience that the next song was written especially for Tom and that it was the most important thing I had ever written! The crowd went wild and Tom blew me a kiss even though neither I nor he are allegedly gay! Just a friendly heterosexual kiss between manly Norwegian and possibly not gay movie star! I was very motivated to put on a good show after that!

We started playing and the first midget came out dressed in a white shirt, white socks, and sunglasses! I could tell the audience loved it by the way they gasped! Then another midget came out dressed in a leather jacket and sunglasses and we played a couple of notes from the Top Gun theme! The audience went wild with approving boos! Then the sheep came out! You can guess what happened next, because the midgets were very well paid and tested for dick anthrax after the show!

By now the nice security men had unplugged our instruments and came on stage to escort us from the building! I suggested to one of them that the most comely sheep could be brought to his room if he let me go! I am sure the punch was meant affectionately!

I never did see Tom’s reaction once the sheep came on stage! I like to think I have inspired him in my own small way by making him look like a midget fucker of sheep! We Norwegians are a helpful people! Not like those bastard Swedes in my band who didn’t even help when I kicked the security guard right in his meatballs!

But now I am free from Scientology! I have made peace with Xenu, but PETA was not happy about the sheep thing!

More Scientology adventures from Ingvar:

My spiritual side is an Asshole!
I am in a band! For spiritual fulfilment!
You can’t fool all of the people all of the time unless they are Scientologists!

Hello again to you all! Once again it is I, Ingvar! From Norway!

All of the Internet, even the asshole and pansy parts, is very excited about this thing that happened in the sky above my beloved homeland, Norway!

Click here to view the embedded video.

Many people are asking what it was! Do not ask! When we want you to know, we will tell you!

For now all I will say is that despite appearances the moose was mostly unharmed so PETA can eat a big bag of dicks! And anyway the moose asshole had it coming!

Hello to you! Once again it is I, Ingvar! From Norway!

I am still writing down the story of my adventures but it will be coming soon! For now I will share with you the album cover that I got someone to Photoshop for me! We Norwegians know a guy!

Even after I show them this, they still ask me to perform at the special event for Tom Cruise or some other famous retard!

I will share more with you all soon on what happened next and why PETA is also no longer happy with me!

Hello again to you all! It is I, Ingvar! From Norway!

It has been a long time since I wrote to you all, but I have a good excuse! I was becoming a better person through the exact scientistical techniques of Scientology! Or something! I am not certain they cured me from my problems, but I am very certain that they will not let me on the premises again! Their loss!

But before I made them regret ever meeting me, I spent many hours in “auditing” where they make you hold tomato soup cans connected to what they call an “E-Meter”! It is like a lie detector, only stupider! And the “auditor” who operates the machine is like a lie detector operator, only stupider! Scientology is consistent!

Everything was going fine! My auditor didn’t even notice when I was being an asshole to him, which was always! I made him believe that in a past life I was one of Beowulf’s thanes and helped fight the hideous troll Grendel! He even believed the part about defeating Grendel in a battle of dueling electric banjos! I started to wonder whether Scientology makes you stupid or whether it just appeals to stupid people in the first place! It turns out to be both!

When I grow bored of normal stuff I tell them I am a famous celebrity in my homeland! I am the lead singer of the biggest Death Metal band in all of Scandanavia: The Knötty Pine Coffins! Our famous album is Hex Wrench Regicide! My auditor believes that, too!

All of a sudden I am treated much better! I am told that I can be an ambassador for Scientology in Scandanavia and maybe I will get to hang out with Tom Cruise and John Travolta because they are celebrities too!

I offered to have my band play the next big celebrity event, with Travolta and Cruise and Bart Simpson and many people from shitty sitcoms! That was when the fun really begins but it will have to wait until my next post! It involves dwarfs!

by Daniella A. Apple, Christioventalismist

I bet a lot of you think that the world environment on Earth is just fine and we don’t have to worry about anything because there is no pollution or chemicals in our lettuce. Wrong! That’s what they want you to believe. They also want you to believe that showering is necessary or that I shouldn’t carry my cat’s poopies in my purse, but I can see through them, just like the Invisible Man can see through everyone.

I read a little while ago that Al Gore was given a Nobel Peace Prize in Chemistry for making a movie about the environment, but I don’t remember Al Gore coming to any of the environmentalist meet ups in northern Saskatchewan, so colour me skeptical about him. He also is supposed to have invented the Internet. Funny. We all know Jesus created the Internet! But of course the real story isn’t Al Gore trying to steal Jesus’s thunder, but it’s really about who gives out the Nobel Chemistry Peace Prizes: the Norwegians!

Sure, they say that the Norwegians are not responsible for destructing most of the world environment and they are only giving out prizes to people who want to keep destruction from happening. Funny. These are the same people who tell me to stop carrying cat shit. Can we really trust them? I know what my answer is.

We all know that Norwegians only want one thing, and that is to convert us all into being Norwegians and not Christians, and also to ruin the environment to make more money for the Corporations, and also to keep chiropractors from saving us from lower back pain. It is too late for Al Gore. They already converted him and now he tries to tell us he and Tipper were the inspiration for Love Story and not Jesus and Tipper. He is also very boring.

Don’t let the Norwegians fool you! They don’t want what’s right for the Earth environment, but only evil and forced showers for everyone.

by Ingvar Jævel

Hello to you all once again! It is I, Ingvar! From Norway!

Perhaps you are wondering where I have been since my last posting! According to my handlers I should tell you it is none of your business! But I am not like that! I tell you to fuck yourself, too! Hah!

Actually I have spent some time exploring my spiritual side! Going to the Mega-Church taught me that I need to get in closer touch with God or Odin or Cthulhu or whatever! I don’t think it matters much what bullshit you believe in but apparently everybody needs to believe in some sort of bullshit! So I went to the greatest church of bullshit I could find, Scientology!

First I looked up the local branch or church or shack or whatever they call it! It was in a terrible part of town, which is good for the spirit I think! But even though the neighbourhood is bad, the Scientologists all wear nice clothes and even some uniforms that make them look like dorks! First impressions are important!

Then I went in to take a free personality test! I answered most of the questions honestly! I know, it was out of character for me! After the test a nice woman in an dork uniform told me that my personality is seriously fucked up!

“You are an extremely critical person. You lash out verbally or mentally at those about you and the environment, making you a person almost impossible to be around. You may consider that you are being constructively critical or realistic. However, you are being basically malicious and mean. Because you see little good in people or life your opinions are of little value. Scientology can improve this.”

Holy shit! Scientology called me an asshole! I told her that was very accurate coming from an unattractive imbicile wearing a dork uniform and sitting on a cheap plastic chair in a crazy sci-fi cult office in a terrible part of town! Well done!

I ask how Scientology can help with my problem! It was a long talk but the summary was, pay Scientology lots of money! I ask if Xenu could cleanse me of my sins like Jesus or kill my enemies and rape their women like Odin or Buddha but she did not answer me! I also ask who would win in a fight, Xenu or Thor! I think Thor, but you could tell from her angry look that she would back Xenu!

Finally she leaves the room for a few minutes and comes back with a man in another dork uniform and who has a very serious face! I greet him by saying “Hail Xenu” and making up a salute with my fingers! He asked me to leave, but I told him I had lots of money and wanted Scientology to help me not be an asshole! I think the money part helped even though it was a lie! He did not find out about the lie for almost a week though!

They signed me up for some courses and sold me some books written by their favourite crackpot! Now I was ready to learn the real secrets of Scientology and maybe one day I would be able to wear a dork uniform!

[TO BE CONTINUED]