So I have been protesting out in front of the Walmart because it is the most evil Corporation the planet has ever seen. People tell me I am exaggerating but I will prove them wrong with my protest signs comparing Walmart to Hitler. I think I am convincing lots of sheeple because they won’t make eye contact with me. That tells me they understand.

There is a machine in front of the store that sells Corporatist newspapers. I won’t pay for their nasty propaganda but sometimes I do read the headlines on the front. I figure they can’t infect me with their advertising mind control if I keep one eye closed and don’t read for too long, and besides I have a very strong mind because I am an environmentalist. Also I can stay in touch with what is happening in the world, at least from the military-industrial complex perspective of the Deershit Hills Gazette.

The other day there was a headline about somebody named Alex Rodriguez taking steroids in baseball. Funny. I thought they called it Football in Spain. Anyway, apparently he did steroids while playing baseball and that was somehow “cheating”. But we all know that professional sports is just a way for the capitalist Corporation government powers to keep idiots and rednecks entertained so they don’t question the powers that be for keeping them trapped in a Corporate fantasy Matrix of docility. Also, those assholes are millionaires.

But the real reason steroids is bad isn’t that they let people cheat. That’s what they want you to believe! No, the real reason is that it destroys the environment, but don’t expect the Gazette with its Nazi reporters to tell you that. The real problem isn’t even the pharmaceutical Corporations who rape the natural world to make steroids for rich crybaby athletes. Funny. If you think that, you are even stupider than they want you to be.

What happens is, when athletes take steroids, they get bigger muscles and consume more of the Earth’s precious irreplaceable resources so that is bad right there. But even worse is that they run faster and breathe a lot faster, and when they do they breathe in fresh air and breathe out carbon dioxide. And maybe even steroid vapor though my experiments can’t confirm that yet. Anyway, all that carbon dioxide is causing the global warming of the entire Earth, which means the Alex Rodriguez is killing lots more people than just the ones on the baseball field. I don’t know what the laws are like in Spain but here they should make one that stops steroid users from destroying the planet. It just makes sense.

A mistrial was declared today in the trial of an area man accused of stealing over $10,000 in electronics from the Larvae Oaks Wal-Mart in September. Raymund O’Toole, 27, of Landfill Gultch, is accused of breaking into the department store in the early hours of September 4, 2008, making off with dozens of iPods, DVD players, and home entertainment systems. Judge Herbert Sandford declared a mistrial, citing “inappropriate communication between a juror and the accused.” O’Toole’s lawyer, Fred Tollefson, said a juror made repeated attempts to contact his client by sending notes, text messages, and “items of a very personal and deeply disturbing nature.” Prosecutor Johan Ragnar agreed with the decision. A retrial date has not been set.

by Daniella A. Apple, upstanding citizen, crank

So I got called in for Jury Duty last month. I guess being a successful political candidate means that the justice systems recognize that I am trustworthy and judgemental, so of course I said yes even though it is corrupt and controlled by an international cabal of Corporations and Laplanders. Plus I am a good citizen.

We are on break from the trial because of Christmas. Funny. I didn’t think lawyers believe in God. But anyway the judge told me that we couldn’t talk about the trial until it was over like it was some big secret or something but they can’t depress my rights! They won’t stop my Freedom of Speech! So I am going to tell you about it, but you have to keep quiet about it and not say anything or else I will have to sue you.

I won’t describe the way they selected people for the jury because it is boring. One lawyer tried to tell the judge that I shouldn’t be allowed to be on a jury because I wrote “Highway 274 overpass near Giardia Pond” where it asked me for my address and “Fuck you” where it asked me for my phone number. The judge disagreed because I was being truthful and also only 12 of us showed up that day.

The “case” they put me on involves a man named Raymund O’Toole who they say stole from a Wal-Mart. Funny. I didn’t think you could steal from a giant Corporation that is already stealing from the poor working class for profits and forcing old people to wear little vests. So right away I knew how I was going to vote because there is no way it can be illegal to steal from a capitalist greed Corporation like that!

Plus when I got a good look at the “defendant” he looked just like Corey Haim from around 1987, and I always swore if I ever met Corey Haim I would have sex with him and not convict him of stealing iPods. So there’s a second reason I was going to vote for him.

But now I’m not so sure. The day before we got sent on break, the prosecutor lawyer showed us grainy video of the defendant from a security camera and it doesn’t really look much like Corey Haim in the video. So now I’m supicious that O’Toole really did steal the iPods and is a shapeshifter or something who is trying to look like Corey Haim so he can have sex with me and get off scott free! Well, I won’t be fooled that easily! O’Toole sounds kind of Norwegian.

Anyway, we’re supposed to go back to court tomorrow to finish the case. I plan to sit there and stare at the defendant and try to make contact with him telepathically to let him know that if he is a shapeshifter he better know that I am watching him and I will send him to jail if he isn’t really Corey Haim from 1989.

So the Amerikkkan government wants to spend money on bigwig fatcat plutocrats who run car companies. Funny. I thought the car companies were the government! Oh well. I’m sure it will all turn out great for the little guy and the environment. I’m being sarcastic.

The other day I was out at the landfill looking for art and being a genius when a thought occurred to me. What if we took all the stocks and bonds in the world and just threw them in the landfill? Then people — the real people — could be rich and the Corporations with their mind control minerals would have to start listening to us because then they’d be sorry! Also then the stocks could be art, and that would make the world a better place.

Anyway, it will never happen because it is too easy. I know because whenever I go to town council to tell them of my mind ideas, they never listen. They say it is “too hard” or “too expensive” or “too fucking insane” but you can tell they are just afraid. The only thing we fear is the unknown. And Norwegians.

So I hear you ask, “What about the car companies?” Stop speaking to me in my head! Make the voices go away!

Also I heard there is a man who invented a car that runs on air and he was killed by the car Corporations! I worry that my technology to get paid when people think about my art work will get me killed by Dick Cheney. Funny. He will never get past my pet companion guardian cats.

Anyway, I think we need to stop driving cars for the environment. I don’t drive anyway because I can’t get a license and afford a car, and also because I am an environmentalist. If everybody followed my lead we would have no crisis! Just an environment and art!

So just say “no” to the car Corporations! Especially the ones run by Dick Cheney!

[A]lthough he wasn’t burdened with a surfeit of common sense and possessed a streak of stubborn idealism that did not readily mesh with the realities of modern life, he was no psychopath. McCandless was in fact an honors graduate of Emory University, an accomplished athlete, and a veteran of several solo excursions into wild, inhospitable terrain.

Things we’ve learned so far: graduating from Emory and being an accomplished athlete meant he couldn’t possibly be a few marshmallows short of a s’more. You know, some people call Ted Kaczynski a psychopath, when in fact he was a PhD graduate.

Faulty logic aside, maybe McCandless was perfectly stable and just a little naive. After, we’re bluntly told:

McCandless was not mentally unbalanced. [...]

McCandless doesn’t really conform to the common bush-casualty stereotype: He wasn’t a kook, he wasn’t an outcast, and although he was rash and incautious to the point of foolhardiness, he was hardly incompetent or he would never have lasted 113 days.

Yeah, about the whole “kook” thing:

His education had been paid for by a college fund established by his parents; there was some $20,000 in this account at the time of his graduation, money his parents thought he intended to use for law school. Instead, he donated the entire sum to the Oxford Famine Relief Fund. Then, without notifying any friends or family members, he loaded all his belongings into a decrepit yellow Datsun and headed west without itinerary, relieved to shed a life of abstraction and security, a life he felt was removed from the heat and throb of the real world. Chris McCandless intended to invent a new life for himself, one in which he would be free to wallow in unfiltered experience.

In July 1990, on a 120-degree afternoon near Lake Mead, his car broke down and he abandoned it in the Arizona desert. McCandless was exhilarated, so much so that he decided to bury most of his worldly possessions in the parched earth of Detrital Wash and then [...] burned his last remaining cash, about $160 in small bills.

He spent the next year or so as essentially a hobo. No, seriously.

When he eventually made it to Alaska and wandered into the woods without any real idea what he was doing, he discovered an abandoned bus that hunters had provisioned as a hunting shack. On one of the plywood panels that boarded up a broken window, he wrote this imminently sensible — and not at all unbalanced — screed:

Two years he walks the earth. No phone, no pool, no pets, no cigarettes. Ultimate freedom. An extremist. An aesthetic voyager whose home is the road. Escaped from Atlanta. Thou shalt not return, ’cause “the West is the best.” And now after two rambling years comes the final and greatest adventure. The climactic battle to kill the false being within and victoriously conclude the spiritual pilgrimage. Ten days and nights of freight trains and hitchhiking bring him to the Great White North. No longer to be poisoned by civilization he flees, and walks alone upon the land to become lost in the wild.

Alexander Supertramp
May 1992

I know what you’re thinking: that’s not unbalanced, that’s Daniella A. Apple crazy. You are wrong. He graduated from Emory, you idiot.

Some of you may have been wondering what I have been up to since the election was stolen from me. Leave me alone, spies! It is none of your business!

Anyway, since the election where the KKKonservatives and LIEbrals conspired to thieve my rightful place I have been working on my website where you can subscribe to see pictures of my artwork. I am having trouble, though, because I want people to pay every time they think about my artworks, but how? When they see them on screen I can make them pay, but what about later when they are in the shower or asleep and they see my artworks in their minds? I asked a company to help me come up with technology so I get paid and people can’t steal my artworks by thought power, but they charged me thousands of dollars and it doesn’t work! So I am now designing the technology myself and have hired a man from China who knows computers but doesn’t speak English so good to make my dreams a reality!

You probably think that is all I am doing. Funny. I am becoming the star of the Deershit Hills Community Theater when I went there to “audition” for a role in “Hello Dolly”. I want to be Dolly, not the people who are saying hello to her. I used to do guerrilla street theater to protest against the whales in Vancouver so I know how to act, and also now I am an environmentalist and a successful politician so it is time to show my talents to the world!

When I did the audition the director told me my performance was “interesting” and “unique”. Funny. I knew that already. I changed the script to make it more environmental. From the look on his face you could tell he loved it but was too professional to say so. He said he would call when he had made a decision, but I don’t trust telephones because it is too easy for someone to overhear or steal our conversation and then some Norwegian would show up and steal my role in “Hello Dolly”! So I gave the director a place where he can leave a message for me under the Highway 274 overpass near Giardia Pond, but so far he must be taking lots of time to decide on the rest of the cast because there is nothing under the overpass but pigeon shit and empty Thunderbird bottles.

When I do go in the play I know two things. One is that I won’t do a nude scene no matter what. I have my standards and my body is a sacred wonderland. Nobody gets to see me naked except my cats and my case worker. Number two is that my technology to keep my artworks from being stolen will need to be ready before the play because it would be unfair for people to remember my performance without me being paid for it.

by Daniella A. Apple, former Green Party candidate for Deershit Hills-Landfill Gulch, Saskatchewan

So as I predicted the NEOCONS and the Corporations stole the election. “They” say that I only got 12 votes and the winner from the REFORM ALLIANCE NECONS got over 25,000. Funny. I must have spoke to a million people before the election and not one of them said they wouldn’t vote for me! This is what happens when they use electronic voting machines for writing out pencil marks on ballots. Don’t you believe the truth!

No surprise I asked for a recount and I was told that they only do that when the vote is close. Of course it is not close when you steal the vote? Where did the thief hide all of the ballots? I don’t know but I bet his name is Jorgenson or Thoresen or something like that, if you can follow my logic.

Okay so what next for me? I will never stop fighting THE MAN and keeping the Corporations from stealing our identities with their mind-control gasses. They know this and will always try to stop me, but I know karate of the mind! They want me to go quietly. Funny. I thought that was only for people who lose, not people who have elections stolen from them. And also the environment.

I will go back to work making crafts and selling pictures of them on the www for monthly subscriptions. I make crafts from recycled matresses I find at the landfill, so I am on the front lines of saving the environment. Also the Corporations don’t like this when I keep them from burying the matresses though I do not know why that is.

I will be back with a new way of protecting our thoughts and privacies before too long. Keep me in your private thoughts and do NOT let the Corporations take them from you via your pet animal companions!

by Daniella A. Apple, Green Party candidate for Deershit Hills-Landfill Gulch, Saskatchewan

I received an email today from a man who says he is a reporter. I do not believe him, he is probably a backbiter or some kind of spy for Corporations, so I will not answer him. This is part of my honesty but also all people in civil society have a need to speak out like this.

He asked me “What is your position on the situation in Israel?” Funny. As a candidate I need to have positions, yes, but no, I do not answer questions from usurpers and spies! When I am elected my power will be to remove backbiters like as him. Then we all in human civilization can work together to save the environment!

I did not even think Israel was a real thing but I looked it up just to make sure. I have intelligence skills and I took many classes back in school so I know how to find things out. I found out Israel is where Jews come from.

Funny. Maybe they should be called Israels and not Jews or else they should rename the country “Jew” so that Jews come from Jew instead of Israel. Confusing if you are not a candidate like me!

I don’t know what “situation” is in Israel except they are named wrong like I said. Maybe the problem is they are Jews? I don’t know. If they stop being Jews maybe the “situation” will be gone? In the Bible it tells us to be Christians! Maybe we should give the Israels Bibles? That is my platform on Israel.

The “reporter” man so-called will get his comeuppance when the LORD comes to destroy liars and spies. The worst spies come from Norway! Then we will be free to form a government in civil human society and protect the environment from them and maybe Jews.

by Daniella A. Apple, Green Party candidate for Deershit Hills-Landfill Gulch, Saskatchewan

Did you know that if you are the guardian of a pet companion that the Corporations are watching you with chips implanted in your pet companion? It is literally true, which no human in society should have to put on with. We all know that Corporations control everything, but not the environment! That is why Corporations hate the environment, because they can not control it by implanting chips in environment pet companions.

First some personal side: I am the guardian for 40 cat pet companions but I don’t let the Corporations get away with planting ships in them. In the Bible it tells us to respect our pet companions, don’t put chips in side them, so Jesus would need for us to keep all animal pet companions away from Corporation chips. When Eleazar sacrificed some of Noah’s animal pet companions did the Corporations have them already? Funny. I do not think the LORD would let corporations do it, do you?

When Corporations see our thoughts they make us society humans become consumers, and even some will cause WAR and not PEACE because we don’t care about the environment but only McDonalds. But the Police don’t understand, they work for the Corporations, and neither do Animal Control when they keep me from cutting chips out of my pet companion cats. And they say it is animal cruelty! Funny. I say it is cruelty to watch our thoughts! Animal pet companions DO NOT WANT our thoughts! They only want to save the environment!

When you vote for me, I give you 2 reasons. I am NOT a Corporations and do not watch your thoughts. I am not Norwegian, but a society human! And the environment!