So the Amerikkkan government wants to spend money on bigwig fatcat plutocrats who run car companies. Funny. I thought the car companies were the government! Oh well. I’m sure it will all turn out great for the little guy and the environment. I’m being sarcastic.

The other day I was out at the landfill looking for art and being a genius when a thought occurred to me. What if we took all the stocks and bonds in the world and just threw them in the landfill? Then people — the real people — could be rich and the Corporations with their mind control minerals would have to start listening to us because then they’d be sorry! Also then the stocks could be art, and that would make the world a better place.

Anyway, it will never happen because it is too easy. I know because whenever I go to town council to tell them of my mind ideas, they never listen. They say it is “too hard” or “too expensive” or “too fucking insane” but you can tell they are just afraid. The only thing we fear is the unknown. And Norwegians.

So I hear you ask, “What about the car companies?” Stop speaking to me in my head! Make the voices go away!

Also I heard there is a man who invented a car that runs on air and he was killed by the car Corporations! I worry that my technology to get paid when people think about my art work will get me killed by Dick Cheney. Funny. He will never get past my pet companion guardian cats.

Anyway, I think we need to stop driving cars for the environment. I don’t drive anyway because I can’t get a license and afford a car, and also because I am an environmentalist. If everybody followed my lead we would have no crisis! Just an environment and art!

So just say “no” to the car Corporations! Especially the ones run by Dick Cheney!

(Reference here for the unenlightened)

Sadly, there doesn’t appear to be any video of his greatest hits, but this article has a nice rundown. Read the whole thing, but here are some choice moments:

Neither [of Klein's predecessors as Premier] ever gave a protester the finger. Ralph did it as environment minister during a 1990 meeting about a contentious pulp mill project.

One agitated protester advanced in front of Klein and flipped him the middle digit. Klein didn’t miss a beat, glaring and flipping it right back at him.

[...]

He then got his chance to shock the country by complaining in January 1982 about “eastern creeps and bums” driving up the crime rate in Calgary.

[...]

“I WASN’T SUPRISED [sic] THAT SHE CROSSED OVER TO THE LIBERALS. I DON’T THINK SHE EVER DID HAVE A CONSERVATIVE BONE IN HER BODY. WELL, MAYBE ONE.”
Klein at a charity roast, talking about Tory turncoat Belinda Stronach — who used to date Foreign Affairs Minister Peter MacKay — on Nov. 7, 2006.

[...]

“YOU GET A LOT OF FREE DINNERS BUT AFTER THAT YOU GET SORT OF TIRED, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU QUIT DRINKING, AND THEN IT’S NO FUN AT ALL, SO I DON’T KNOW WHY THEY WOULD WANT TO DO IT.”
Klein talking to reporters at the Calgary Stampede on July 10, 2006 about his potential successors.

[...]

“I OUGHT NOT TO HAVE THROWN THE LIBERAL HEALTH POLICY AT OUR PAGE JENNIFER, AND TO JENNIFER, I APOLOGIZE MOST SINCERELY. … AND I ALSO APOLOGIZE FOR REFERRING TO THE DOCUMENT AS CRAP, MR. SPEAKER.”
Klein apologizing in the Alberta legislature on March 1, 2006 after throwing a Liberal Party health policy booklet and narrowly missing a legislature page.

[...]

“THEY DIDN’T LOOK SEVERELY HANDICAPPED TO ME, I TELL YOU THAT FOR SURE. THEY BOTH HAD CIGARETTES DANGLING FROM THEIR MOUTH AND COWBOY HATS.”

Klein speaking to a Tory provincial election campaign rally in Calgary on Oct. 27, 2004. He was talking about two women who were “yipping about AISH payments,” which go to Albertans who are severely handicapped.

He later followed up on that in Grande Prairie by saying: “I’m sure none of you want to talk to me about AISH. No, because you’re normal — severely normal people.”

And his most famous incident, and my personal favourite, is when he drunkenly wandered into a homeless shelter — at Christmas time! — and told the residents to “get a job” (italics mine to highlight the awesome):

“I’M GOING TO TRY AND STAY CLEAN AS LONG AS I CAN, BUT IF FROM TIME TO TIME I HAVE A GLASS OF WINE, DON’T MAKE A MOUNTAIN OUT OF A MOLE HILL.”
Ralph Klein after an infamous December 2001 incident in which he showed up inebriated at a homeless shelter in Edmonton, berated some of the residents for not having jobs, then throwing money on the floor and leaving.

And another account:

At around 1am December 12, a visibly intoxicated Klein had his chauffeur drive him to the Herb Jamieson Centre, a government-supported shelter for homeless men. Witnesses say that soon after entering the 249-bed Centre, Klein began shouting and swearing at a number of the homeless. Slurring his words, the Tory premier yelled repeatedly at them to get jobs, then threw money on the lobby floor and stormed out.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I rest my case.

by Daniella A. Apple, former Green Party candidate for Deershit Hills-Landfill Gulch, Saskatchewan

So as I predicted the NEOCONS and the Corporations stole the election. “They” say that I only got 12 votes and the winner from the REFORM ALLIANCE NECONS got over 25,000. Funny. I must have spoke to a million people before the election and not one of them said they wouldn’t vote for me! This is what happens when they use electronic voting machines for writing out pencil marks on ballots. Don’t you believe the truth!

No surprise I asked for a recount and I was told that they only do that when the vote is close. Of course it is not close when you steal the vote? Where did the thief hide all of the ballots? I don’t know but I bet his name is Jorgenson or Thoresen or something like that, if you can follow my logic.

Okay so what next for me? I will never stop fighting THE MAN and keeping the Corporations from stealing our identities with their mind-control gasses. They know this and will always try to stop me, but I know karate of the mind! They want me to go quietly. Funny. I thought that was only for people who lose, not people who have elections stolen from them. And also the environment.

I will go back to work making crafts and selling pictures of them on the www for monthly subscriptions. I make crafts from recycled matresses I find at the landfill, so I am on the front lines of saving the environment. Also the Corporations don’t like this when I keep them from burying the matresses though I do not know why that is.

I will be back with a new way of protecting our thoughts and privacies before too long. Keep me in your private thoughts and do NOT let the Corporations take them from you via your pet animal companions!

Moderator: Welcome back to part two of the debate. Let’s get right to the questions.

What is your solution to the problem of nuclear proliferation, especially among so-called rogue states? Lord Bryll, your answer?

Lord Edmund Bryll: Right, quite right, yes. Now, unlike my esteemed competitor here, which admittedly is a particularly low threshold and should not by itself signify any especial importance, I find myself in the unique position of having a previous relationship with the mistress of the father of the atom bomb, Professor Oppenheimer. This, as you can expect, gives me an insight altogether unavailable to those among you who have not experienced the delicacy of physical intimacy with one who has seen a prominent nuclear physicist in the, shall we say, altogether. Right, hm, yes. Now, as regards so-called “rogue states”, if they may indeed be so called, I also have personal experience, having had, and mind that I do not take this opportunity to brag, an illustrious career for the East India Company, at which time I presided over the Kashmir region and fostered, as it were, a sense of rivalry and bad blood among the natives, as this was the best way to distract them from recognizing my particular administration as the real source of their ills. Yes, so, unique among contenders to high office, I feel I can promote ethnically- and racially-charged nuclear one-up-man-ship to a degree that is unparalleled. Under my watchful eye, I assure any and all that the backward nations of the planet will be hastened toward obliterating themselves in quite an entertainingly spectacular fashion, leaving the civilized countries of the world to divvy up the resources of these formerly troublesome lands. Quite, yes.

Daniella A. Apple: I haven’t been outside the city recently so the country may be rogue. I don’t know but it wouldn’t surprise me. Nuclear power is the most evil thing on the planet, even more evil than Corporations. Corporations control nuclear power though and they want a Three Mile Island in everyone’s yard! This is the way they scare the government into putting up spy cameras at traffic lights. They say they are there to stop people running red lights. Funny. If that was true they wouldn’t need to have the cameras there all the time, only when people are running red lights. That it why I do not cross the road at intersections because the cameras are there to steal my privacy and identity! Once they steal my privacy they sell it to the nuclear power companies so they can create atomic clones of people to replace them. I know because my brother was replaced last year. He came to me and told me I needed help and that I should see a psychiatric, but I saw through him into the atomic clone he is. 

Moderator: Lord Bryll, your rebuttal.

Bryll: I find that the mass jumble of thoughts and poorly articulated paranoias of my opponent are, perhaps unironically, paralleled by the confusion of sour odors emanating from her general direction, being as they are an unidentifiable mix of cheap alcohol, rotting shellfish, loamy soil, and, if I am not mistaken, though I very dearly wish I was, urine of the most unhealthy aroma. In short, if I may be so blunt, debating this woman, if indeed we have quite established beyond a reasonable doubt that she is indeed a woman and not, for example, a diseased macaque, is tantamount to rumaging in an alley rubbish receptacle. Less rewarding, though, you see. Yes, hmm, well.

Moderator: Ms. Apple, would you like to respond?

Apple: Bryll doesn’t fool me. He wants to seduce me with his fancy talk and then he can sneak chips into my pet companions for the Corporations when I am exhausted from sex. He should know that he barely turns me on so I am vigilant. We all must be vigilant to protect the environment and not have sex with Corporations no matter how much we want to. I made that mistake once before with Norwegians but never again!

Modertator: Uh.. thank you both. We’ll be back with part III after this brief vomit break.

Moderator:

Lord Edmund Bryll: Yes, yes, thank you Mr. Williams, thank you. Delighted to be here, you see, though I must admit, at some not inconsiderable risk to my careful planning for the tactical course of the this debate, yes, that I am not altogether convinced that the esteemed — Ms., is it? — Apple is an appropriate foil for a seasoned veteran of the House of Lords such as myself, being as she is rather, shall we say, unlettered, not to say a few synapses shy of an imbecile.  Quite.

Daniella A. Apple: Is this microphone safe? I think it may be radiating cancer through magnet pulsations. Are you trying to give me cancer? You are censorsing me already by giving me cancer because you can not stand the thoughts of the environment being more important to social people than Big Business!

Moderator: Okay! Let’s proceed to the first question: Ms. Apple, Lord Bryll, at this very moment tonight, where do you stand on the financial recovery plan? First response to you, Ms. Apple.

Apple: The finances are important to the environment, so I am glad you asked the question. We need money to fix the environment but also to punish Corporations who steal our health and listen to our thoughts. When I become in power the first thing I will do is save the environment, but also make ourselves into a profit! I am a small businesswoman who knows how to make crafts into money so the finances will come from profit, but not from Corporations or business. Also we need to stop printing money with pictures on it because the old men in the pictures follow me with their eyes.

Bryll: Ah yes, how timely a question! Now, as one who is personally affected by the proposed plans as they currently stand, I cannot help but express a certain amount of satisfaction with the amount of funds directly apportioned to financial bodies that fall under the umbrella of my various holding companies and subsidaries, from AIG to Lehman Brothers to my Cancer-Radiating Microphone factory in China. Yes, quite. If I have a criticism, which you may rest assured by the deft way that I have introduced this thought that I do indeed harbour some degree of criticism, it is that the plan, as currently imagined by the somewhat intellectually bereft politicos in the Colonies, does not go far enough in that, although the allocation of funds and the purchase of debt is particularly gratifying, a truly worthwhile plan would eliminate all taxes upon the affected corporations as a form of, shall we say, bullshit stimulus, which would have the altogether pleasant effect for enhancing my long term cash flow whilst placing an even heavier burden upon the great unwashed masses to support my comfortable, not to say lavish, lifestyle. Indeed!

Moderator: Ms. Apple, your rebuttal.

Apple: Okay, so he says he has all sorts of money, right? But where does money come from when you really think about it? It comes from the Earth! Just like everything else does. So if we loose the Earth, Mr. Brylcreem won’t have any money left! But what about Norway? Funny. Norwegians only think on fish and spying on us. They don’t care about the Earth or money, they only care about Corporations!

End of Part I

by Daniella A. Apple, Green Party candidate for Deershit Hills-Landfill Gulch, Saskatchewan

I received an email today from a man who says he is a reporter. I do not believe him, he is probably a backbiter or some kind of spy for Corporations, so I will not answer him. This is part of my honesty but also all people in civil society have a need to speak out like this.

He asked me “What is your position on the situation in Israel?” Funny. As a candidate I need to have positions, yes, but no, I do not answer questions from usurpers and spies! When I am elected my power will be to remove backbiters like as him. Then we all in human civilization can work together to save the environment!

I did not even think Israel was a real thing but I looked it up just to make sure. I have intelligence skills and I took many classes back in school so I know how to find things out. I found out Israel is where Jews come from.

Funny. Maybe they should be called Israels and not Jews or else they should rename the country “Jew” so that Jews come from Jew instead of Israel. Confusing if you are not a candidate like me!

I don’t know what “situation” is in Israel except they are named wrong like I said. Maybe the problem is they are Jews? I don’t know. If they stop being Jews maybe the “situation” will be gone? In the Bible it tells us to be Christians! Maybe we should give the Israels Bibles? That is my platform on Israel.

The “reporter” man so-called will get his comeuppance when the LORD comes to destroy liars and spies. The worst spies come from Norway! Then we will be free to form a government in civil human society and protect the environment from them and maybe Jews.

by Daniella A. Apple, Green Party candidate for Deershit Hills-Landfill Gulch, Saskatchewan

Did you know that if you are the guardian of a pet companion that the Corporations are watching you with chips implanted in your pet companion? It is literally true, which no human in society should have to put on with. We all know that Corporations control everything, but not the environment! That is why Corporations hate the environment, because they can not control it by implanting chips in environment pet companions.

First some personal side: I am the guardian for 40 cat pet companions but I don’t let the Corporations get away with planting ships in them. In the Bible it tells us to respect our pet companions, don’t put chips in side them, so Jesus would need for us to keep all animal pet companions away from Corporation chips. When Eleazar sacrificed some of Noah’s animal pet companions did the Corporations have them already? Funny. I do not think the LORD would let corporations do it, do you?

When Corporations see our thoughts they make us society humans become consumers, and even some will cause WAR and not PEACE because we don’t care about the environment but only McDonalds. But the Police don’t understand, they work for the Corporations, and neither do Animal Control when they keep me from cutting chips out of my pet companion cats. And they say it is animal cruelty! Funny. I say it is cruelty to watch our thoughts! Animal pet companions DO NOT WANT our thoughts! They only want to save the environment!

When you vote for me, I give you 2 reasons. I am NOT a Corporations and do not watch your thoughts. I am not Norwegian, but a society human! And the environment!

by Daniella A. Apple, Green Party candidate for Deershit Hills-Landfill Gulch, Saskatchewan

Do you feel you have privacy on the Internet? Or when you go to the bathroom? What can we do to make privacy better for everyone? And the environment?

I have my privacy stolen 4 times at least. My candidatecy will make privacy, we need to start with parts of people that people can’t be stolen. Like DNA. DNA is yours and can’t be stolen so I think the government should take it and make a big list of people’s DNA and their privacy linked to DNA, so every one can do a credit check against the government when you need to prove your privacy.

The Norwegians know this. They will try to stop me, but my DNA is mine and not there’s!

We should all carry a card with our DNA on it so the government doesn’t have to keep a big list. Then we can do credit checks against the big list using our card, and sellers won’t get ripped off by loosing they’re privacy! But only if the Green Party makes the government. The LiEbrels and C.O.N.Servatives and NON! Democrats will use mind control rays to take away privacy because they can steal DNA, the Greens will protect privacy by using DNA because it can’t be stolen, it is yours!