Hello once again to you all! It is I, Ingvar! From Norway!

I know it has been a long time since my last story about my adventures in Scientology, but I have a good excuse! I did not feel like writing anything for you! Do not be offended! You can’t help it!

So as I said before, my fake band of Swedish assholes, The Knötty Pine Coffins, were invited to play at an important Scientology gathering of nuts and crazies! It turns out it was to celebrate Tom Cruise being the most important actor in Scientology and for him not being actually gay, at least in public! That is the kind of event I, Ingvar, can really get excited about!

My band consisted of me, Ingvar, and three guys I found at the Ikea cafeteria who were willing to play along for a chance to see Jenna Elfman’s boobies! Not that I technically promised that to them! I told them to talk like the Swedish Chef from the Muppets, and nobody questioned it because that is exactly what real Swedes sound like! Not beautiful and lyrical like Norwegians!

We played near the end of the show after Tom Cruise had already received his big award and had told everyone in the audience how much L. Ron Hubbard had changed the world for the better! By writing shitty science fiction! Tom did not say that last part, but we Norwegians can read between the lines! There was also music from some other bands who made The Knötty Pine Coffins sound like an actual band! They sang songs written by L. Ron Hubbard, who it turns out was even better at writing shitty music than he was at writing shitty science fiction! And shitty religion, for that matter!

Tom Cruise sat in the front row with the vacuous mannequin wife of his and applauded like a lunatic when we came on stage! I shouted “LRH Rocks!” because they call L. Ron Hubbard “LRH” and apparently believe he rocks! But he doesn’t! He is dead!

We sang our first song which I called “The Bridge to Happiness Spans the Waters of Batshit Insanity” and they loved it even though we basically just beat on our instruments and screamed a lot! They loved it so much you could see them visibly squirming in their seats! Tom’s smile was even more frozen than usual!

Then we went for the big finale! I told the audience that the next song was written especially for Tom and that it was the most important thing I had ever written! The crowd went wild and Tom blew me a kiss even though neither I nor he are allegedly gay! Just a friendly heterosexual kiss between manly Norwegian and possibly not gay movie star! I was very motivated to put on a good show after that!

We started playing and the first midget came out dressed in a white shirt, white socks, and sunglasses! I could tell the audience loved it by the way they gasped! Then another midget came out dressed in a leather jacket and sunglasses and we played a couple of notes from the Top Gun theme! The audience went wild with approving boos! Then the sheep came out! You can guess what happened next, because the midgets were very well paid and tested for dick anthrax after the show!

By now the nice security men had unplugged our instruments and came on stage to escort us from the building! I suggested to one of them that the most comely sheep could be brought to his room if he let me go! I am sure the punch was meant affectionately!

I never did see Tom’s reaction once the sheep came on stage! I like to think I have inspired him in my own small way by making him look like a midget fucker of sheep! We Norwegians are a helpful people! Not like those bastard Swedes in my band who didn’t even help when I kicked the security guard right in his meatballs!

But now I am free from Scientology! I have made peace with Xenu, but PETA was not happy about the sheep thing!

More Scientology adventures from Ingvar:

My spiritual side is an Asshole!
I am in a band! For spiritual fulfilment!
You can’t fool all of the people all of the time unless they are Scientologists!

Hello again to you all! It is I, Ingvar! From Norway!

It has been a long time since I wrote to you all, but I have a good excuse! I was becoming a better person through the exact scientistical techniques of Scientology! Or something! I am not certain they cured me from my problems, but I am very certain that they will not let me on the premises again! Their loss!

But before I made them regret ever meeting me, I spent many hours in “auditing” where they make you hold tomato soup cans connected to what they call an “E-Meter”! It is like a lie detector, only stupider! And the “auditor” who operates the machine is like a lie detector operator, only stupider! Scientology is consistent!

Everything was going fine! My auditor didn’t even notice when I was being an asshole to him, which was always! I made him believe that in a past life I was one of Beowulf’s thanes and helped fight the hideous troll Grendel! He even believed the part about defeating Grendel in a battle of dueling electric banjos! I started to wonder whether Scientology makes you stupid or whether it just appeals to stupid people in the first place! It turns out to be both!

When I grow bored of normal stuff I tell them I am a famous celebrity in my homeland! I am the lead singer of the biggest Death Metal band in all of Scandanavia: The Knötty Pine Coffins! Our famous album is Hex Wrench Regicide! My auditor believes that, too!

All of a sudden I am treated much better! I am told that I can be an ambassador for Scientology in Scandanavia and maybe I will get to hang out with Tom Cruise and John Travolta because they are celebrities too!

I offered to have my band play the next big celebrity event, with Travolta and Cruise and Bart Simpson and many people from shitty sitcoms! That was when the fun really begins but it will have to wait until my next post! It involves dwarfs!

by Ingvar Jævel

Hello to you all once again! It is I, Ingvar! From Norway!

Perhaps you are wondering where I have been since my last posting! According to my handlers I should tell you it is none of your business! But I am not like that! I tell you to fuck yourself, too! Hah!

Actually I have spent some time exploring my spiritual side! Going to the Mega-Church taught me that I need to get in closer touch with God or Odin or Cthulhu or whatever! I don’t think it matters much what bullshit you believe in but apparently everybody needs to believe in some sort of bullshit! So I went to the greatest church of bullshit I could find, Scientology!

First I looked up the local branch or church or shack or whatever they call it! It was in a terrible part of town, which is good for the spirit I think! But even though the neighbourhood is bad, the Scientologists all wear nice clothes and even some uniforms that make them look like dorks! First impressions are important!

Then I went in to take a free personality test! I answered most of the questions honestly! I know, it was out of character for me! After the test a nice woman in an dork uniform told me that my personality is seriously fucked up!

“You are an extremely critical person. You lash out verbally or mentally at those about you and the environment, making you a person almost impossible to be around. You may consider that you are being constructively critical or realistic. However, you are being basically malicious and mean. Because you see little good in people or life your opinions are of little value. Scientology can improve this.”

Holy shit! Scientology called me an asshole! I told her that was very accurate coming from an unattractive imbicile wearing a dork uniform and sitting on a cheap plastic chair in a crazy sci-fi cult office in a terrible part of town! Well done!

I ask how Scientology can help with my problem! It was a long talk but the summary was, pay Scientology lots of money! I ask if Xenu could cleanse me of my sins like Jesus or kill my enemies and rape their women like Odin or Buddha but she did not answer me! I also ask who would win in a fight, Xenu or Thor! I think Thor, but you could tell from her angry look that she would back Xenu!

Finally she leaves the room for a few minutes and comes back with a man in another dork uniform and who has a very serious face! I greet him by saying “Hail Xenu” and making up a salute with my fingers! He asked me to leave, but I told him I had lots of money and wanted Scientology to help me not be an asshole! I think the money part helped even though it was a lie! He did not find out about the lie for almost a week though!

They signed me up for some courses and sold me some books written by their favourite crackpot! Now I was ready to learn the real secrets of Scientology and maybe one day I would be able to wear a dork uniform!

[TO BE CONTINUED]